Maple Flavoured Reefer Madness

Canadians Launch Legal Weed; Stoners Rejoice In Mellow Ways

Ottawa (CP) The long awaited legalization of marijuana- aka weed, aka dope, aka mary jane- in Canada happens today, amid much contention and delay in the political process. A promise of the governing Liberal party, the decision decriminalizes the drug and legalizes its use, essentially treating its use as a regulated health issue instead of a criminal issue. Distribution in the country will vary from community to community- some municipalities are being given the option of opting out entirely of allowing marijuana use in public, while apartment and condo buildings are wrestling with the issue of how much, if any use, can be permitted on their grounds. Recreational users who have long risked arrest are pleased by the news.

“It’s great, man!” Sonny Winthrop, president of the Four Twenty Society told reporters on the last day marijuana was still illegal, smoking a joint in front of Toronto’s Old City Hall, currently a courthouse, where if he’d been doing so three years ago he might have risked an arrest for the infraction. “We’ve been waiting for this for years, man! Years! And now it’s here, and the weed’s legal, man!” He paused, inhaling deep. “Wow, man… that’s like… what was I talking about?”

Whether or not Canadians will be able to cross the border is another question. The administration in Washington, not much of a friend of Canada these days, has made noise lately about not letting cannabis users into the country- perhaps not even those who have stock in cannabis grow-op companies. “It’s unacceptable, y’all,” Attorney General and Keebler Elf refugee Jefferson Beauregard Sessions (R- Confederacy 2.0 Alabama) told reporters after meeting with subordinates at the Justice Department. “The last thing we need in this country, y’all, is visitin’ syrup drinkin’ pot smokin’ stoners comin’ down here bein’ all mellow, y’all! So our big priority right now is buildin’ a wall up on the Canadian border, all of it, and we’re gonna make the stoners pay for it, y’all!”

How that would work out legally speaking is another matter, though legally speaking has never seemed to be a priority in the mind of the Keebler Elf. Regardless if such a law can be passed, many Canadians have made a point of not traveling into the States for the time being. Crowds of users have gathered in public places in the days leading up to legalization, fully aware (at least until they got high) that what they were doing was technically illegal, but no officer would arrest them for it. They’ve been smoking dope en masse as a kind of preliminary celebration, creating a wafting odor of various smells, including the noxious type of weed that smells like a skunk. “I don’t know why people complain about it,” weed aficionado Tobias “Weed” Weeder (yes, that’s his name) remarked while smoking with fellow users. “What’s wrong with skunks, man?”

Legendary stoners Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong, whose comedy routines revolved around marijuana use, have already applied for Canadian citizenship. “I’ll admit, the first winter’s going to be tough,” Marin told reporters from his new home in Toronto. “I mean, I’m used to warmer climates, man. But hey, we’ll have weed to get us through it, man! Maple syrup infused weed. Isn’t that just the best, man? O Cannabis! Our home and native land!”

Not everyone will want to partake, nor are expected to. Rules have been put in place for such matters as impaired driving while under the influence. Certain occupations have designated specific rules that essentially forbidden any use by its members- multiple police agencies. The RCMP have put forth a policy forbidding use by any of its members for nearly a month before a shift, essentially barring any Mountie from ever smoking marijuana. Or weed. Or reefers. Or pot. Or skunk. Or Mary Jane. Or whatever you want to call it.

For a final word on the new era in Canada’s smoking history, reporters gathered at an RCMP detachment in the Alberta foothills, home base for one of the service’s most legendary officers. Inspector Lars Ulrich, the fiercely grouchy Mountie who is often mistaken by entertainment reporters for the drummer of the same name who works with Metallica, looked irritated when he came out of the building and found reporters gathered together for his comment on the issue. Assured by the reporters that they knew full well that he was not that other Lars Ulrich, the Inspector was more at ease, as opposed to more cantankerous. “It’s the law of the land,” he admitted. “Personally speaking, I don’t understand why anyone would want to smoke that crap, but that’s just me. It doesn’t mean the country’s become this sort of lawless wild west where anything goes in terms of the use of cannabis.”

Someone hustled past the rest of the reporters, followed by a cameraman. He had the vacant eyed look of so many in his occupation, and while dressed in a suit and tie, gave the impression that he seemed rather juvenile for what he was wearing. “Lars! Lars! Trey Cooper, Access Hollywood,” he introduced himself. The real reporters backed up, wanting to get out of the way. Cooper was oblivious to the moment, and kept speaking. “What everyone wants to know is…. Will Metallica relocate to Canada now that weed is legal?”

Ulrich sighed, shook his head, and stared at Cooper for a long moment, as if deciding which side of his face he was going to hit first. Then he spoke in that low, gravelly voice that indicated immediate danger. “I am not that Lars Ulrich.”

Cooper seemed befuddled. “Are you sure?”

With that, Ulrich threw his first punch, breaking Cooper’s nose and sending him falling fifteen feet away. Then he began chasing the entertainment reporter. The chase ended with Cooper in the hospital, in a body cast for the next six months.

According to nurses on duty, Cooper keeps saying, “reefer madness” over and over again.