A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the point of view of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog gets the first say, because his attention span tends to wander.

7:04 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch and yawning. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of chasing the Great Pumpkin. Which is silly. I mean, everyone but Linus knows there’s no such thing as a Great Pumpkin.

7:06 AM. Taking a look outside. Pre-dawn light. Some frost on the ground. We’ve had the odd stray snowflake, but nothing more. Yet. Believe me, winter is coming, and I can’t wait. Of course, there’s plenty of running around to do in the falling leaves and all that, which I love to do too.

7:09 AM. Waiting patiently for the human to come downstairs. Looking at the calendar. Hallowe’en is coming in a few days, which might explain that weird dream I had. That means my human is going to have trick or treaters at the door. That also means I’m not allowed to scarf down any of the treats. I don’t understand why humans persist in claiming chocolate isn’t good for a doggie. I mean, maybe they just say that so they don’t have to share.

7:12 AM. Okay, so the human’s taking her time this morning getting downstairs. Let’s start concentrating on the to-do list for today…

7:14 AM. ….Number 12, chase any squirrel seen on the ground. Number 13, mooch treats. Number 14, take plenty of naps…

7:21 AM. I wag my tail furiously as the human comes downstairs. Hello, human! Fine day, isn’t it? Say, have you given any thought to my breakfast? Because I am feeling a bit hungry at the moment. After all, it’s been ten long hours since I last ate.

7:23 AM. Watching with anticipation as the human pours me a big bowl of kibbles. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

7:24 AM. Licking my chops after finishing off breakfast. That was good!

7:28 AM. Inquiring with the human if she might do me a favour and open the door. After all, it’s not like I can open it myself or anything like that.

7:30 AM. Out the door and on my way for my morning run. See you later, human!

7:41 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, thoroughly pleased.

7:57 AM. Passing by the home where that cranky cat lives. Hanging back by the treeline. Wondering if I should go say hello or not. Considering how irritated she was with me the last time I saw her, maybe that’s not a good idea.

8:15 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Barking in greetings. Hello, Spike!

8:18 AM. Spike and I compare notes on Hallowe’en traditions, including whether or not we should be barking at kids wearing clown costumes. Well, I mean, come on… anyone sadistic enough to wear a clown costume deserves getting barked at. Everyone knows clowns are evil.

8:21 AM. Spike and I wonder if any movie studio ever considered doing a horror movie where the killer is a postman. It would work. I mean, you and I and every other dog know that letter carriers are the most vicious, despicable monsters walking the earth. What’s more horrifying than that?

8:24 AM. Spike agrees that it’s suspicious that the humans claim we can’t have Hallowe’en candy just because they claim it’s bad for us. If it’s good for humans, why is it bad for us? Spike concurs with my argument that they’re just hoarding it all for themselves.

8:25 AM. Spike and I go our separate ways, but agree to keep each other up to date on any sightings of the squirrels. See you later, Spike!

8:49 AM. Returning home. Barking to alert the human to my return, but I stop short when I see that the car’s gone. Wait a minute… the human went for a drive? And didn’t ask me if I wanted to come? Rats!

9:01 AM. Sitting out on the back deck waiting. Stewing in my own worries. What if she never comes back? What if she’s doing something awful like buying a cat? What if she’s gone to the bakery and isn’t going to bring me back a cookie?

10:56 AM. Waking up from nap on the back deck to the sound of a car door closing. Heading around to the front of the house. Finding the human carrying a couple of grocery bags. Human, you went on a drive and didn’t invite me along? Surely you know by now that dogs love rides. Except when it involves a trip to the vet.

11:02 AM. Watching the human dealing with the groceries. One bag is the regular stuff. The other bag looks to involve trick or treat goodies. Which, for the record, I still don’t understand why that’s not good for humans. 

12:15 PM. Mooching a couple of dinner rolls off the human as she’s having lunch. Yum yum yum!

1:31 PM. Unleashing a vicious torrent of barks at the mailman as he drops mail off at the box and drives away. And don’t come back, you hear me? Don’t you ever come back!

6:35 PM. Dinner with the human. She’s cut up some lamb chops into nice bite sized chunks for me. Thanks, human, you’re swell.

8:36 PM. Lying in the living room while the human reads. Pondering the great mysteries of life. Was Linus clinically insane to believe in something he called the Great Pumpkin? Was he suffering from a brain tumour that made him see things that weren’t there?

11:29 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sleep well. I’ll protect the house against any threat. And if you happen to hear any noise around four in the morning, no need to get up. That’ll just me getting into the pantry to protect the Hallowe’en treats.