Curse Of The Unwanted Relations

Royal Wedding Awaits; Bridal Family Members Fume

London (Reuters) The world awaits the wedding of Prince Harry, currently sixth in line to the throne, to American actress Meghan Markle this weekend. In what is being described as the wedding of the year, the couple, engaged since last fall, will exchange wedding vows at a ceremony at St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle. Coverage of the event will be broadcast by worldwide media, as interest in the couple continues to build. Reporters- both of the actual sort and the paparazzi sort- have descended on the area in hordes. 

There have been some bumps in the road. Father of the bride Thomas Markle will not be attending after the news came out of arrangements with tabloids, now claiming he’s missing the event due to an upcoming heart surgery. Half-siblings have been noted in recent days to be fuming over being not invited to the ceremony, and have been mixing together lashing out and talking to anyone who will listen. The ceremony itself, happening on the same day of the FA Cup final (an event that would normally be attended by best man Prince William in his capacity as President of the Football Association, may compete for attention in the British isles with that game.

Royal watchers have been keen on the drama of Miss Markle’s family, particularly the estrangements that seem in place amongst some of them. “Well, it’s very simple,” Professor Clementine Harrington, an Oxford lecturer on British royalty, told this reporter this week. “If any of them happen to act out or crash the wedding, the Queen has the Tower of London at her disposal, and can feel free to have them put in the stocks for a few days until they learn to mind their manners.”

Americans, who founded their entire way of life on getting royalty out of their lives with the Revolution, seem particularly drawn to the event. “It’s fascinating, isn’t it?” Boston socialite Esmeralda LaCoeur noted this week. “All this history of liberty and being independent and booting the redcoats out, and here we are, salivating over heredity aristocracy and a wedding. I suppose you might wonder if it has to do with our current situation. You don’t suppose the Queen would let us back in, if we apologized and said we were really sorry?”

One American is profoundly disappointed by not being allowed to participate in the entire affair. Director Michael Bay, the explosion prone lunatic behind demented deafening films such as the Transformers franchise and Armageddon, was unhappy in a video rant made on the website for his company Digital Domain. “I had this big idea! Pyrotechnics and explosions and having Aerosmith do the theme song for the wedding- they even wrote it! It was called Royal Beheadings! Isn’t that a great name for a song? But no! I hear back from the Brits that I don’t have permission to set off explosions around Windsor Castle! What’s a wedding without explosions? Bottom line is, that cranky old bat Lizzie, or whoever actually wrote that message, told me to go **** myself and warned me that if I ever step on British soil again, I’ll be arrested and sent to the Tower where those ridiculous looking Beefeaters would knock my teeth out before deporting me. I thought these people were hospitable. I thought the Brits were polite.”

In Canada, the wedding is of great interest to the population. One Canadian is pleased for a different reason. Legendary RCMP Inspector and thorough grouch Lars Ulrich, known for saving the world on multiple occasions and kicking around entertainment reporters for sport, was found at his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Reassured by reporters that they knew he was not the drummer from Metallica, the Mountie was willing to speak and in fact quite cordial. “As far as I know, every single verminous dirtbag idiotic entertainment reporter on the planet is camped out in Britain right now. I’ve got an ocean between me and them. The British police can deal with their stupidity, as long as they want. I won’t complain if none of them come back.”

The last word belongs to a certain Scotland Yard inspector who shares two things in common with his Mountie counterpart: crankiness and a name in common with a musician. Chief Inspector Paul McCartney was reached by real reporters at the legendary police agency. The Inspector is in his mid thirties, half the age of the former Beatle, and in fact looks nothing like his famous namesake. He seemed exasperated while speaking with reporters. “How stupid are people? I’ve had reporters with Access Hollywood asking me if I’d be working with Ringo on something for the wedding! Damn it all, I had to give them a thorough thrashing and sent them to hospital. Well, a few less entertainment reporters at the wedding, who’s going to complain? Except of course for any of the bride’s estranged family.”

A paparazzi reporter had somehow infiltrated our ranks, and spoke up at that point. “Paul! Paul! Is it true that you and Ringo are going to work with Elton John and sing Twist And Shout at the wedding?”

McCartney glared at the man. “I am not that Paul McCartney.”

The paparazzi reporter seemed confused. “Are you sure?”

With that, McCartney broke through the ranks of reporters and started chasing the hapless reporter. When last heard from, the paparazzi reporter, working for the National Enquirer, was fished out of the Thames after McCartney threw him off Tower Bridge. He is reported to be in stable but stupid condition at a local hospital, blathering on about what John Lennon would have thought of a fellow Beatle resorting to violence.