Internet Scammers Of The World, Unite

Despite it all, they never do give up. The spammers and the scammers. I can guarantee you that they'll try to spam this very post, as they have tried doing the same to other spam and scam posts I've done. You tell them to drop dead, but they can't take a hint. You suggest that they take a long walk off a short pier, and they don't get it. You encourage them to throw themselves off a bridge, but will they do it? Of course not. The spammers and scammers just keep at it. Such was the case with the following email, which turned up in my junk mail some days back. The return email address, mind you, didn't match the one that was contained in the message itself...

Dear Beloved Friend in the Lord,

It is my pleasure to contact you, l know this letter might meet you as a surprise but l want you to read through my kind email and hear me well. My name is Mrs. Elizabeth Anna Johnson from Germany. l was married to Dr. Abelerd Johnson who worked with our Embassy here in South Africa for a period of eight (8) years before he died in an Auto crash.

I am a 59 years old woman suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, Due to my deteriorating health condition which most doctors have confirmed I will not survive no matter what. I have decided to Willingly Donate the sum of USD$5,600,000:00 (Five Million, Six hundred thousand Dollars) to charity and individual through you for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows. I want you to note that this fund is lodged in a bank here in South Africa.

I am therefore reaching out to you, soliciting that you accept this donation from me on behalf of the less privileged ones in our society and use the money to set up charity organization and to take care of the abandoned widows who needs help for survival. This appeal is meant for one with a deep sense of responsibility and commitment to serving humanity. I humbly seek your assistance to receive these funds and use it for the intended purposes.

Please get back to me at my email address at (elizjohnson34@yahoo.com)

Love and blessings

Yours faithfully,

Mrs. Elizabeth Anna Johnson

Ah, where do we begin? Perhaps with the possibility that Mrs Elizabeth Anna Johnson has probably sent the same crap to me before. It's that Dear Beloved Friend In The Lord line to open up things that feels familiar. Too familiar. I mean honestly, I'm not your friend. I'm not dear, and I'm not beloved. And how do you know I'm not a follower of the ways of Loki? 

She identifies herself as Mrs. Elizabeth Anna Johnson of Germany. Oh, yes, of course, because when I think German names, the first one that comes to mind is Johnson. She claims to be married to a Dr. Abelerd Johnson (what kind of name is Abelerd?) who worked at their "Embassy here in South Africa for a period of eight (8) years before he died in an Auto crash".  The capital letters are a giveaway nod to the usual tactics of the scammers, who can't write this kind of nonsense without making mistakes. And it's kind of beside the point to add the number when you've already written it out right beforehand.

As if the totally fake story about the totally fake hubby with the totally fake name dying in the totally fake crash isn't sad enough, she claims to be suffering from "a long time cancer of the breast". Oh, sure. Right. Because writing "suffering from breast cancer" is far more complicated. She tells me that she's decided to "Willingly Donate the sum of USD$5,600,00:00", again writing it twice in numbers and letters, "for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged, and also for the assistance of the widows."  She tells me that this is "meant for one with a deep sense of responsibility and commitment to serving humanity."

And precisely why did you bring this to my attention? Because I'm not the sort of person who has much of a "sense of responsibility and commitment to serving humanity." I'm just saying that.

But by all means, let's just say that your little sob story is true (it's not). First, how do people working in embassies amass millions of dollars in secret funds that they want to hand over to strangers to "receive these funds and use it for the intended purposes"? They don't. Government work doesn't pay that well.

Second- okay, let's say I'm dumb enough to buy your con (I'm not). What's to keep you, the dying of cancer widow Johnson, from holding me accountable regarding what I do with that totally fake five point six million bucks? What's to stop me from putting that money to good use in my bank account instead of to the totally fake motherless and the totally fake widows of your totally fake story? Aside from the totally fake ghosts of the totally fake German Johnsons who totally haven't actually died yet?

Nice try, Mrs. Johnson. Too bad we can't alter your totally fake story in a more satisfactory way. Such as you and your totally fake husband getting totally eaten by totally real sharks.