A Day In The Life Of A Cat

It is the cat's turn to have her say, and she has plans that need to be seen to...

7:06 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch. Slept well. Dreamed of a big ball of yarn.

7:09 AM. Surveying the vastness of my domain from the back of the couch. Well, the weather seems to be cooperative today. We shall see if that lasts. If it does, I can carry out what I have planned. It’s been a few days, mind you, but that foul hound is going to have to learn some manners today...

7:18 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It’s about time. Did you know I was about ready to send a search party to find you? 

7:19 AM. Giving the staff a head bonk to the legs. She thinks it’s all about affection. What it really is about is reminding her who’s boss.

7:21 AM. Meowing insistently as the staff starts getting my breakfast ready. Very well, staff, chop chop, get to it as they say. 

7:22 AM. The staff has provided me my breakfast. Tuna in one bowl and milk in another are quite welcome. For whatever reason she persists in putting down a third bowl of field rations. There are times I find humans to be thoroughly peculiar.

7:23 AM. Settling into my breakfast. Very good, staff. Very good.

7:26 AM. Leaving the staff to have her breakfast in peace. It is the weekend after all, and I have plans. Plans that are on top of being spoiled rotten by the staff. 

7:30 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring outside. In the distance I can hear the barks of that irritating mutt. Patience. Patience. All good things come to those cats who wait.

7:53 AM. Meowing to my staff to be let outside. She obliges me, of course. Now then, staff, I may be awhile. That does not give you permission to go off to town without clearing it with me first, do I make myself clear or what?

7:54 AM. Out the door and on my way. Things to do, places to see, scores to settle...

8:13 AM. Stopping by the farm next to that one where the irritating mutt lives at. Hopping on a fence. Spotting a donkey. The donkey sees me.

8:14 AM. The donkey comes on over. I deliver a head bonk to his head in greetings and inquire as to if that foul hound passed by. He confirms that it was so just a few minutes ago. He doesn’t much care for the dog either.

8:19 AM. Taking up a reconnaissance position along the property fence line with a clear view of the house. No sign of the dog, but his human’s car is out front, so it’s not as if he went off for a drive with her. Very well then. Here I am, and here I shall remain.

9:27 AM. Getting impatient. What? Is that dog having a nap or something? Get outside already!

9:49 AM. Patience. Patience. I know, I know, it’s a pain in the neck to have to wait, but like you said, all good things come to those cats who wait.

10:21 AM. Movement at the house. A door opening. The human is letting that annoying dog out onto the deck. He’s standing there with that dazed look common of too many dogs, sniffing the air. Now then, with any luck, all this warm sunshine might make him want to take a nap...

10:32 AM. Keeping an eye on the dog and the house at a distance. Sure enough, he's down on the deck, eyes closed. Start to advance on him in a few minutes. Slowly and carefully.

10:54 AM. Have made a careful advance upon the sleeping dog. Three metres away. Watching for any signs of wakefulness. Selecting spot to strike from. Considering escape routes if he has himself a bad reaction to my teaching him some manners. Looking forward to what’s next.

10:55 AM. Hissing loudly and smacking the dog on the snout with a paw. Taking great satisfaction in seeing him bolt upright. Sticking out my tongue at him in an extra taunt.

10:56 AM. The dog seems befuddled. As usual. I turn around and walk calmly away, feeling entirely pleased with myself.

11:16 AM. The staff greets me upon my return home and asks where I’ve been. If you must know, staff, I’ve been out teaching a buffoon of a canine some long overdue manners.

3:48 PM. The staff is out on the deck enjoying the day. For good measure, and to rub it in on that foul hound, I’m dialing his house number on the phone. After a moment, an answer- and silence. I express my contempt and amusement, and receive angry barks in reply. 

3:50 PM. The staff comes back in with a puzzled look on her face after I’ve ended the call. I maintain a look of pure innocence as she wonders if she actually heard the bark of a dog or not.

6:36 PM. The staff and I are having dinner. I am pleased by this evening’s main course- chunks of beef cut up into kitty bite size just for me. Very good, staff, very good indeed.

11:29 PM. The staff is off to bed. Just keep the door open, staff, in case I feel like wandering over your chest at four in the morning. I will rest content here for the moment, still feeling thoroughly pleased with myself over teaching that foul hound a lesson in manners. Not that it’ll take, mind you.