A Day In The Life Of A Cat

It is time for the cat to have her say, after the dog got the first word in my last post...

7:01 AM. Waking up at home. Big stretch. Followed by a big yawn. 

7:03 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring out at my domain. Some flying lunches out on the lawn. Okay, how long do I have to be polite before I can go wake up the staff? I mean, it is the weekend after all, which allows her to sleep in, but more importantly, I am feeling peckish right about now.

7:06 AM. Heading upstairs. Okay, staff. Enough’s enough. Time for you to get up and get at them, as the expression goes.

7:07 AM. Jumping up on the bed. The staff remains asleep. Okay, as I see it, here are my options. First, I could just let her sleep. Second, I can stare at her endlessly, willing her to wake up. That totally freaks humans out when we do that. Third, I can give her a head bonk. Fourth, I can howl like a banshee. Fifth, I can roll around at her side, stirring her from slumber. Sixth, I can softly meow over and over again. And seventh, I can jump on top of her. Decisions, decisions....

7:08 AM. A good firm meow gets her eyelids fluttering. Yes, staff. It is morning. I am hungry. Get up.

7:09 AM. The staff appears to be trying to sleep in another five minutes. I must therefore react by meowing more insistently.

7:10 AM. I have successfully roused the staff out of sleep. She’s now getting up. That’s better, staff. Now then, I’ll be downstairs awaiting you, so get to it. I fully expect you to be downstairs feeding me by seven thirty at the latest. 

7:11 AM. Descending the stairs, taking up position on the back of the couch. Having had done my feline duty in waking up my staff, I can rest content. Assuming she doesn’t sneak back into bed for another half hour. She’s done that before.

7:16 AM. Sounds from upstairs indicate the shower is on. Very good. Unless of course she deliberately did that to make me think she’s getting ready for the day and not just back under the covers. Is it me, or do I seem overly suspicious today?

7:29 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Well, it’s about time, staff. I was about to send a search party up to get you. That search party would have consisted of me, and I would have been meowing constantly. Now then, two items of critical importance await us. First, this is the weekend, so I fully expect you to stay home and cater to my every need. And second, I am expecting breakfast.

7:32 AM. The staff provides me with breakfast. Chicken and milk in bowls... and a bowl of field rations. I sigh with dismay. Staff, how many times do I have to tell you? Oh well, I’ll content myself with the first two.

7:35 AM. Finished with breakfast. Have left the field rations by themselves. I have also left the staff in peace to have her own breakfast. Licking my chops as I head into the dining room.

7:46 AM. Sitting on a windowsill. Looking at a plant further along the sill. Musing on the physics behind swatting it off the windowsill. What would be its termination velocity before it hits the floor? How much of an effect would gravity have on it? Was Einstein a cat passing himself off as a human being?

7:49 AM. Startled out of my musings by movement out on the lawn. It’s that annoying mutt!

7:50 AM. Telling that foul hound exactly what I think of him. And I’m using all sorts of bad words. But they’re justified under the circumstances. Dogs are, after all, annoyances of the highest order. He claims he’s a good dog, but I know better!

7:51 AM. Giving the dog the finger. Get lost!

7:52 AM. The staff comes to see what all the racket is about. She reaches for the door. Hey, wait! How do you know he won’t just barge in here?

7:53 AM. The staff is out there on my lawn petting and talking to that infernal dog. I am beside myself. Traitor!

7:54 AM. Watching the dog leave the property. The staff comes back in. I glare at her. You just touched a dog! Right now I’m mad at you too!

8:26 AM. Still annoyed. Brooding a lot. Speculating on taking revenge against my staff by the shredding of cashmere.

11:06 AM. Waking up from nap. Slept well. Dreamed of the dog getting chased by a bear.

12:21 PM. Have coaxed the staff into giving me a couple of slices of ham. Very good, staff, very good, but don’t think this lets you off the hook for being polite to that hound this morning...

4:28 PM. Running for my life up the stairs to a bolt hole. How dare the staff interrupt my nap by turning on the vacuum cleaner!

6:19 PM. Dinner with the staff. She’s made bacon pancakes. I am contenting myself with eating one of them. I suspect she is trying to butter me up and make amends for the whole petting the dog thing today.

8:57 PM. Lying on my back, getting tummy rubs from the staff. Oh, this is nice. At least until I decide I’ve had enough, and then it’s kill shred destroy the hand!

11:28 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, but keep the door open. I fully expect to be able to pounce on you in the middle of the night and run away before you knew I was there.