A Day in The Life Of A Cat

And so it is the cat's time to have her say. Your Grace? The floor is yours. Along with everything else...

7:19 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of being in a vast field of catnip. Pure heaven. Why can’t dreams like that come true?

7:21 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring out at the lawn, taking in the breadth of my domain. Those flying lunches are picking around at the grass. Ah, if only the door were open. I would be stalking you right this very minute.

7:28 AM. The staff comes down the stairs. Well, it’s about time, staff. I see you’re presentable for the work day. But first you must feed me breakfast. To be followed, I suppose, by your eating your own breakfast, but priorities first! Which means my breakfast.

7:30 AM. The staff has put down a bowl of tuna, with a side bowl of milk, and despite the many times I have personally pointed this out, a bowl of those field rations. Staff? Kibbles are what we feed dogs. Do I look like a dog to you? Of course not. Dogs slobber all over the place and knock things off coffee tables accidentally with their wagging tails. I am a cat. We push things off the coffee table deliberately.

7:31 AM. I have settled into eating my breakfast with peaceful contentment. I will leave those field rations aside as a back-up in case I get hungry later in the day and the staff is not home yet.

7:34 AM. Watching the staff with precision and purpose while she eats breakfast. No real reason why, just making her think there’s some reason I’m doing this when it’s nothing more than playing around with her head.

7:46 AM. Delivering a head bonk to the legs of the staff while she’s on her way out. You won’t catch me trapped outside for hours on end today, staff. I prefer the indoors, with some outdoor access. It would be nice if you left the door ajar for me to come and go as I please, but as the old song goes, we can’t always get what we want, right?

7:47 AM. Sitting on the windowsill watching the staff drive out onto the road. Okay, so....  a few hours to myself. Just how much trouble can I get into today?

7:53 AM. Looking out onto the lawn, brooding. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the barking from that annoying mutt down the road. Probably chasing his own tail again.

8:06 AM. Musing on the meaning of life. Is the universe is a ball of string theory valid?

8:18 AM. Sitting on a windowsill at the back at the house. Gazing out over my lawn. Movement at the treeline. Hmmm, what’s that?

8:19 AM. The movement makes itself clear as the intruder emerges. It’s that foul mutt. I deliver the icy cold glare of contempt and derision. Leave now, or face my eternal wrath.

8:20 AM. Despite my expectations that he’d walk up to the house wagging that tail of his, the dog withdraws back into the woods. Good riddance.

8:37 AM. Launching an assault on the scratching post. Doing so releases some of the dormant catnip in the carpet on it. This, of course, unleashes a catnip frenzy in me. Before losing temporary control of my senses, I must say, I cannot be held responsible for what happens next.

8:54 AM. Lying on the floor. Coming down from that catnip frenzy. I have succeeded in knocking over the scratching post. I am now slightly knackered. I think a nap would be called for at this particular moment. Yes, a nap would do quite nicely indeed.

12:07 PM. Waking up from my nap. Big stretch. Post catnip frenzy naps do seem to be long naps, but hey, like I always say, you can never have too many naps.

12:09 PM. Despite my reservations, I help myself to some of those field rations.

4:02 PM. Too early for the staff to be home yet. Another hour or so. Unless something happened like a fire alarm going off requiring the evacuation of her building and an early return home. Or, on the other hand, a flood that I was completely unaware of washing out the only bridge between here and town which would mean it might be days before she gets home, in which case I will be quite displeased.

5:17 PM. The staff walks in the front door. I deliver a head bonk to the leg as a means of greeting her. Well, there you are, staff. I was beginning to think you’d never get home. Now then, I have been all by myself all day, and I am long overdue for being spoiled.

5:20 PM. The staff readjusts the fallen scratching post. Yes, well, it’s a lot easier for a cat in a catnip frenzy to knock that over than it is for a cat who’s come down from one to set it back upright. Besides, that’s what you’re here for.

5:49 PM. In the kitchen supervising the staff. Looks like she’s getting dinner ready. I approve of this.

6:38 PM. Dinner time. The staff has made lasagna for herself. Since pasta’s not that good for me, she has given me a plate of ground beef. This pleases me greatly. I don’t get what humans see in garlic or onion anyway.

7:03 PM. Supervising the staff while she does the dishes. I’d help, staff, really I would, but I lack the opposable thumbs to hold dishes, and I don’t like putting my paws into hot water anyway. Or cold water for that matter. Let’s just say that my paws and any water don’t really mix that well and leave it at that.

8:11 PM. The staff is reading in the living room. I choose this moment to break out into the beginning of a sprint through the entire house at breakneck speed.

8:14 PM. Have returned to the living room after four complete circuits of the house, including the basement. The staff looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. My mind is perfectly sound, staff, I assure you. 

11:35 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff. I will stay down here for now, but do keep the door open. I like being able to walk all over you at four in the morning, and that’s hard to do if you’ve closed the door on me.