Catapulting Spammers Into The Sun

They're never far away. They always come back. The internet spammers and scammers. Just yesterday I got a notice in my junk mail from Ashley Madison. You know, that website that caters to cheaters (as a matter of fact, I've poked fun at them in a previous post after their little public relations fiasco). But oddly enough what they were spamming was "white teeth". Have they branched out into dental services, or is this one of those things I really, really, really don't want to know?

And then there's this typical scammer letter, which appeared in my junk email recently. I could swear I've gotten this one before, but after awhile, all of these scammer letters kind of end up sounding alike.

Dear Beloved ,

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me I am mrs Corazon Abaya sister to the ex-president of Phillipines and merchant in Dubai .I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer and It has defiled all forms of medical treatment right now I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business.

Though I am quite successfull in life and mostly my business I was never generous,I focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.

Now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well  I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul hence I have decided to give alms to charity organizations I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E and some countries in Africa and i discovered the funds endede up in the hands of directors of these organisation with little or nothing for those how this generous donations are meant for.

Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept money to themselves.

Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit I have with a Security Company abroad.

I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I have set aside 10% for you, your time and also any expenses incured during this Great task.

Thanks and God Be With You as you respond

Hopefully,

Mrs Abaya Corazon

Well, she starts out by calling me Beloved. Which I rather resent. Nobody calls me Beloved, especially internet scammers out to score on a dimwitted mark. It's taking liberties, scammer, a term of endearment I don't particularly like in the first place, but especially when it's coming from you.

We've got the standard scammer tell tales. The sob story about cancer. The grammar, punctuation, and spacing issues common to scammers. I mean, she claims to be successful in life, but can't spell successful without adding an extra l to the end of the word. Not what we expect in someone who's successful. 

She also claims to be the sister of a former president of the Philippines. That's curious, because she can't get her name right in the first line, reversing her first and last name (before getting it right in the sign off). Well, I had a look, and while the late former president of the Philippines had siblings, none of them were named Abaya.

She claims that after a life of being successful and dedicating herself to business, now that she's dying (she's not), she wants her funds to go to good works. This is another one of those tell tales we can often see in the scammer. They dangle a sob story and a fee for you if you only buy their line, oh, excuse me, go in with them on this worthy endeavour. 

I particularly like the bit about the cancer having had "defiled all forms of medical treatment" and that she has only a few months left to live. First off, it's defied, moron, not defile. Learn the difference. If there's anyone defiling anything here, it's you. Speaking as someone who's lost too many people to the disease, it's too bad you don't really have cancer. If you did, it'd be a certain karmic justice for you to go in as agonizing a way as possible.

Nice try, whatever the hell your real name is. In an ideal world, we could catapult you into the sun. Of course, that would require a bloody big catapult capable of breaching the atmosphere. We could just make it easy on ourselves, have NASA design a rocket to take payloads filled with internet scammers up into space... and drop them into the sun's gravitational pull.