Scammers From The Sixth Dimension

Of course they never take a hint. They're stupid. They think spamming us will result in sales. They send spam comments to our pages with endless diatribes (a self righteous holier than thou wanker named Steve comes to mind) that have nothing to do with the post. And of course the email of  scammers turn up in junk folders, with the usual scam message. Such is the case with the following, which turned up in my junk mail some days ago.

Interim Assistance General Manager,

(Operations,Maintenance,Transportation)
Assistance Inspection Director
Honolulu International Airport
300 Rodgers Boulevard,
Honolulu, HI 96819, USA

Hello Good Friend

                       Re: Your Abandoned Package For Delivery

I have very vital information to give to you, but first I must have your trust before I review it to you because it may cause me my job, so I need somebody that I can trust for me to be able to review the secret to you.

I am Mr.William  Emmad, head of luggage/baggage storage facilities (Operations,Maintenance,Transportation) here at the Honolulu International Airport,Hawaii USA. During my recent withheld package routine check at the Airport Storage Vault, I discovered an abandoned shipment from a Diplomat from London and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a metal trunk box. The consignment was abandoned because the Contents of the consignment was not properly declared by the consignee as “MONEY” rather it was declared as personal effect to avoid interrogation and also the inability of the diplomat to pay for the United States Non Inspection Charges which is $3,700USD. On my assumption the consignment is still left in our Storage House here at the Honolulu International Airport,Hawaii till date. The details of the consignment including your name, your email address and the official documents from the United Nations office in Geneva are tagged on the  Trunk box.

However, to enable me confirm if you are the actual recipient of this consignment as the assistant director of the Inspection Unit, I will advise you provide your current Phone Number and Full Address, to enable me cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents including the name of nearest Airport around your city. Please note that this consignment is supposed to have been returned to the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed delivery due to the delays in concluding the clearance processes so as a result of this, I will not be able to receive your details on my official email account. So in order words to enable me cross check your details, I will advise you send the required details to my private email address for quick processing and response. Once I confirm you as the actual recipient of the trunk box, I can get everything concluded within 48hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery.

Lastly, be informed that the reason I have taken it upon myself to contact you personally about this abandoned consignment is because I want us to transact this business and share the money 70% for you and 30% for me since the consignment has not yet been returned to the United States Treasury Department after being abandoned by the diplomat so immediately the confirmation is made, I will go ahead and pay for the United States Non Inspection Fee of $3,700 dollars and arrange for the box to be delivered to your doorstep Or I can bring it by myself to avoid any more trouble but you have to assure me of my 30% share.

I wait to hear from you urgently if you are still alive and I will appreciate if we can keep this deal confidential. Please get back to me via my private Email:(documentationoffice76@yahoo.com) for further directives:

Thank you.


William  Emmad
Interim Assistance General Manager,
(Operations,Maintenance,Transportation)
Assistance Inspection Director
Honolulu International Airport
300 Rodgers Boulevard,
Honolulu, HI 96819, USA

First, I should probably point out that this email ended up in my junkmail bearing the name William Emad. Not William Emmad, as his email insists he is. Second, googling that name, or its variant spelling, comes up with articles warning you about scammers. So clearly he's been at this awhile. Now he'd like to make you think he's the interim assistance inspection director, but come on? Is that even a title? Wouldn't it be assistant?

And then he gets right into the usual scammer motif. Calling me "Good Friend", capital letters and all. Well, sorry, but you're not my good friend. I have enough friends, and unlike you, they can string words together into an actual sentence. Scammers like you ought to know I rather resent being called good friend by wankers I've never met before. 

It's not long before we see more tell tales of the scammer. Improper grammar, improper spacing, improper punctuation. Capital letters where there doesn't need to be capital letters. Sentence structure suggesting English isn't his native language, which you'd find odd for someone claiming to work in Hawaii (sorry, Emmad, but we already know wherever you actually are, it's not anywhere near those islands). He can't even keep his totally fake job title straight. First he claims the above title, then he says he's head of luggage and baggage storage facilities.

He claims to have this opportunity before him that has to be kept hush-hush. An abandoned shipment from a British diplomat containing money. He makes all sorts of other claims about said diplomat being unable to pay certain charges. He suggests I'm the claimant for this package, which is a surprise to me, given that I don't know any diplomats in London, particularly anyone so cheap that they'd abandon a totally fake wad of cash. Then he wants to split the cash- which, if he was an actual official in an actual position, he could not do- just as long as we keep this all between ourselves.

"I wait to hear from you urgently if you are still alive." Isn't that nice of our scamming scammer? So very thoughtful. Well, sorry, Emmad, but you're not going to be hearing from me. Not that I'm dead (though I wouldn't mind one bit if you'd assume that position). It's that I don't buy this sort of nonsense from scammers like you. Nice try, but hey, maybe one of the hundreds of thousands of other people you randomly send emails to will be dumb enough to actually buy into your scam.

It's too bad you're not actually in Hawaii. We could take you on a helicopter flight. Right over Kilauea, and drop you right inside a lava eruption. It's a win-win. Well, not for you, because hey, you'd be in horrendous pain for the 0.006 seconds it might take for molten lava to end your life, but at least it'd be quick.