Okay, so before the election I wrote a post that shall go forever unpublished (Norma and a few other people have seen it), featuring Trump's epic temper tantrum when he lost. Obviously for some inexplicable reason, he didn't lose. After the election, well, let's just say I wrote a rant for myself, basically venting, which will also go unpublished. It contained a lot of curse words and would have ended up losing me at least a couple of readers.
I've written this lately though. It's Trump's revenge list. The first part of everyone he wants to get even with. Incidentally, writing in his voice still makes me nauseous. I'll try not to say I told you so when the time comes.
Okay, right? So I won, right? Won it fair and square and
cheated like a bastard the whole time, right? Now it’s time to settle some
scores, get even with a few people. Nothing too big. Just millions and millions
of people. Losers, all of them.
Losers! Big fat losers! So that’s
what this is. This is my revenge list. The people I’m going to start gettin’
even with startin’ on day one of the Trump Presidency, which, by the way, is
going to be the greatest, the most stupendous, the most amazing, the best ever
presidency you ever saw, right? Lincoln? Washington? The Roosevelts? All losers
compared to me. Because I’m the best, the greatest, the most stellar president
ever. And I’ve got really big hands.
Where was I? Oh, right. My revenge list. And it’s gonna be
great. All these people who for one reason or another ended up on this list?
They’re gonna pay. They’re gonna pay big
time. And this revenge list is gonna be the biggest and the best revenge
list of all time. Richard Nixon has nothin’
on me!
By the way, it’s probably a good idea not to let anyone see
this list. Part 1 of 483 716, in fact. It's a big list. Yuuuuuuuuuge!
So where do we begin? Well, in no particular order...
Crooked Hillary. Lock her up! Lock her up!
The Squirrel Faction
Obama and Michelle
Rosie O’Donnell. What a disgusting pig, let me tell you...
The Pope
Jon Stewart
Ellen De Generes
Zombie plot
bunnies
Anyone around the world who ever thought it was a good idea
to criticize my buddy Vladimir
Tim Russert. Sure, he’s dead, but I want that know it all
no-nonsense punk punished anyway
Dogs and cats. Buncha fleabags, the lot of them
Alec Baldwin. Nobody
mocks me and gets away with it.
Mexico. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringin’ crime,
they’re rapists...
All those women who dared to accuse me of gropin’ them. Hey,
I can grope anyone I want! I’m President Donald Trump! Soon to be Exalted Grand
Emperor Donald!
Megyn Kelly. Bleedin’ outta her whatever...
Van Jones
John Oliver
The Queen
The blacks
Stephen Colbert
Angela Merkel
China
Vampires
The Jedi
Larry Willmore
Luxembourg. They know the reason why.
CNN, NBC, the New York
Times, and the whole lamestream media that refuses to bow down to
everything I say and hail me as their lord and master. I’m really gonna get
even with those losers, believe me folks. Matter of fact, when I get my way,
I’m gonna just have Trump News, the Enquirer,
and Breitbart as the only legal news outlets.
Those ex-wives of mine. Soon to be followed by the current
one, just as quick as I can find another bimbo from eastern Europe to be the
next trophy wife
Tree huggin’ environmentalists
Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair
The Bush family
Trevor Noah
The ACLU
Muslims
Bill Nye the Science Guy. That De Grasse Tyson guy too. We
can’t have reasonable well informed experts tellin’ anyone the truth, after
all.
Lyin’ Ted. I mean, seriously, folks, the man’s father
practically killed JFK, I read it in the Enquirer,
and that’s the only paper that matters to me, believe me, believe me...
Bill Maher
The Illuminati
Canada
The UN
PBS
Ivanka
Ferris Bueller. Just because. Smart aleck punk, who’s he
think he is?
That therapist who once told me I’m a class A narcissistic
sociopath with a terminal self love complex. Hey! I don’t need to jerk off!
I’ve got people who’ll jerk me off on command!
That heavy metal drummer. Costs me thousands of votes and
puts supporters of mine in jail after beatin’ them up, and he thinks he can get
away with it?
While we’re at it, we’re gonna just change the way music’s
heard. All Ted Nugent, all the time. Nothin’ else. If Ted’s good for me, he’s
good for everyone. Everybody else can go **** themselves. There’s not gonna be
any Beyonce serenadin’ the Obamas ever again.
Bruce Springsteen. Born in the U.S.A. my ass. He was
born in Canada! He’s got worthless communist socialist maple syrup guzzlin’ tree
hugger written all over him! I demand to see the birth certificate! Lock him
up! Lock him up!
Every single person who ever mocked my great
outstanding hair and my hands. My hair is real and my hands are yuuuuuuuuuuuuuge!
Just as yuuuuuuuuuuuuuge as my Trump schlong!
My eighth grade teacher, Mr. Reading, who gave me detention
for calling him an asshole. I’m really gonna get even with him, believe
me, folks...
Grumpy Cat. Nobody outfrowns me!
I want you to know how grateful I am for your postings. I am angry and scared and shocked at the depths to which this man will go. What's worse, my fellow citizens elected him. This makes me scared of them, too, and angry, and horrified.
ReplyDeleteMy friends didn't vote for him. But I know people who did, and I can't face them. They should be ashamed.
I have a feeling Donald Trump is going to disappoint a lot of people by not turning out to be an evil genus who destroys everything he touches.
ReplyDeleteHappily, though, his hair is a dream come true for caricaturists.
Even though this made me laugh, the laughing stops while waiting for him to overthrow the US government, declare himself dictator and throws out the Constitution.
ReplyDeleteSign me "Waiting (with bags packed), for the other shoe to drop"
I wish I could laugh at this, but I'm rather depressed that nearly half our country thinks it's okay to elect an egotistical, bipolar flimflam man to the highest office in the country.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would never have connected him to Biff till I saw their pix side by side! If only we could send Trump to the future...No, I wouldn't wish that on our children and grandchildren.
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ReplyDeleteThis man as our president makes me sad, scared and embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone will be surprised if he doesn't turn out to be a genius--but he's practically got "evil" tattooed on his scalp.
ReplyDeleteWait a minute--he wants to have Ivanka locked up???
So...for one the Other Lars is being mistaken for our favorite Mountie? That's a twist!
Schrodinger's Douchebag--that's him, all right!
That was supposed to be "for once," not "for one!"
DeleteI don't understand how he got elected. It's truly embarrassing.
ReplyDelete@Petrea: I am still dismayed.
ReplyDelete@Lynn: at the very least he is a con man. And the editorial cartoonists are having a field day with him.
@Lorelei: I expect the worst out of him.
@Cheryl: some day there will be books written on the sheer gullibility of the voter this time.
@Bonnie: entirely understandable.
@Norma: apparently she's playing hard to get.
@Kelly: it still baffles me.
And I got mixed up re: Lars.
ReplyDeleteHard to get, huh?
Actually, I think Trump looks more like an older James Spader! LOL
ReplyDeleteBif and Trump look alike. Funny! We shall see what he does. WE CAN MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Wasn't that what Hitler said about Germany. I'll have to post about that. ANyway, my faith doesn't lie in any of our politicians. The line of disappointment is rather long. Don't you think?
ReplyDeleteThis is funny. Or sad. Or horrifying. It's all true and the most fearsome fact of all is that I can picture him saying these things and doing these things with no difficulty. You know where I stand re Trump. It is right to compare him to Hitler for their similarities are profound. That really hit me when he took to his "Victory Tour." Who does that except Hitler?
ReplyDeleteI despise "It's A Wonderful Life".
ReplyDeleteGosh I love the way people say if you didn't vote for Hillary or voted for Trump you are bad and I can't even look at you or be your friend.
How could anyone feel that way but the ultra liberal hillary supporters
I have friends who love Hillary and it doesn't keep me from being friends with them.
I did not vote for Trump or Hillary They are cut from the same pattern.
She just has a thin candy coating that is all.In fact she is worst as she is a two faced lier.
People I vote for rarely get in office. Do I throw a liberal hissy fit, cry, tear my hair out, run through the streets burning shops, cars and shooting people ? Hell no !
I call Obama my President and I did not vote for him. I hoped to vote him out. I hope to do better in 4 years and vote Trump out. But till then I will write letters and vote again in 2 years for the House of Representatives.
The thing is the liberal Hillary supporters have become what they say they are against Bigots and they are the absolute worst.
I did not vote for Hillary (or Trump) and I am not ashamed.
I am tired of voting for the lesser of two evils. This time there was no lesser.
The politicians on both sides are corrupt liars and the Clintons are among the worst of them.
By the way I am a lifelong conservative Democrat.
And I wish all the people who said they were going to leave, would leave. Along with all the Hollwood actors that were crying into their humongous contracts. And crying which of there many homes they would have to choose from. Oh boo hoo hoo.
No one has left yet.
cheers, parsnip
Me again. Any chance I could repost this on Contextual Criticism? I think I could copy and paste just as it is...
ReplyDelete