Sharknado Returns, So Root For The Shark

Sharknado Sequel Is Upon The World; Millions Roll Their Eyes In Dismay

Los Angeles (AP) Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No is about to air across the cable Syfy channel and other dregs of the television universe, expected to draw in an audience consisting of two parts: halfwits who think it’s gloriously wonderful acting and true fact on the one hand, and people who want to laugh and roll their eyes in dismay at a trainwreck of a film.

The film, which brings back lead actors Ian Ziering and Tara Reid from the previous films, deals with yet another sharks in tornados disaster tale while giving the world two totally pointless characters played by pointless actors in a pointless film that stretches the limits of disbelief. The series from director Anthony Ferrante has dealt with cyclone-created twisters drawing sharks out of the oceans in Los Angeles and New York. These films have ignored the basics of science- such as the notion of tornados lifting dozens of sharks out of the ocean, the sharks somehow staying alive in the midst of those tornados instead of being torn apart or at the very least traumatized to death by the gale forces within, and those sharks being dropped into cities to devour the extras in their dying moments out of water. Now it appears that sharks are going to be across the Eastern seaboard, still alive as they drop in wherever the butchered plot demands they be dropped in to chew on the locals. David Hasselhoff and Bo Derek are among the new cast members.

The film might not have been made. Ziering and Reid were brutally slaughtered by killer rabbits while in Britain on a publicity tour for the previous film, at a time when the third film might have been set in Britain. However, they were among the z-list celebrities resurrected from the dead by mad scientist Magnus von Malice some months ago, after the supervillain plucked them out of the time stream from the moment before their deaths. Von Malice is now in the deepest darkest hole of a prison the world could find after his plans for world domination were thwarted by a very cranky Mountie and a vicious little dog.

Ferrante was pleased when he, Ziering, Reid, Hasselhoff, and Derek met reporters for a press conference on the weekend. “You know, I could have recast with other actors, other characters, but I was greatly pleased to know Ian and Tara were alive and well and not at all traumatized by their near brush with death.”

Reid seemed dazed. “Is it odd that I have memories of both a brutal death and of being plucked right back out of time just before that death? Professor von Malice did say he was kind of splintering time and that we’d have to put up with both sets of memories.”

“All I know is I’m scared of rabbits now,” Ziering added.

Ferrante shrugged. “Just as long as you’re not scared of sharks,” he said with a shrug. “And as it turns out, David Hasselhoff managed to be one of those resurrected major league stars....” Many reporters sighed in collective dismay at that remark- Hasselhoff, after all, was a two bit z-list actor who thought he was an A-lister. “...so of course I had to cast him in this as well.”

Hasselhoff laughed. “And of course I was happy to get involved in this. Everyone loves the Hoff!” Real reporters collectively sighed. Entertainment reporters were heard gushing with adoration.

Ferrante continued. “You know, this is a concept I can see going on and on. Sequel after sequel. And why confine it to summer in the films? We could have Sharknado Christmas, Sharknado Easter, Sharknado New Year's. Hell, even Sharknado Arbor Day. I don’t mind saying that I’ve got a lot of in-house references here and there in this film. Which is why I asked Michele Bachmann to do a cameo, and Ann Coulter to play the Vice President. They’re my kind of people. If only they actually were running the country. But to be fair, I’ve got a bipartisan approach to this whole thing... former Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner is making an appearance in the film too. He’d have been here himself, but he said he had some texting to do. I don’t know what that means.”

Bo Derek, who once upon a time was the fantasy of many a young man (and for that matter, some young women), looked bored. “I’m not entirely sure why I took this role. I mean, sure, I haven’t had much of a career since the early 80s, but still, I wasn’t that desperate for cash...”

“Well I sure was when I got cast in the first film,” Ziering said, immediately monopolizing the panel. “I mean, my career was at a low point, and the loan sharks were going to break my legs, but then, here I get the role of a lifetime, and it’s really paid off big time. Plus I got to pay off those pesky loan sharks and keep my knees in good shape, so that’s good.”

Ferrante nodded. “That’s right. You know, our lead actors have really touched the lives of everyone who’ve been inspired by the Sharknado franchise. They’re playing characters people can relate to. I am aware there are people out there who think of these films as cheesy or bad. They’re just saying that because they’re jealous of true genius. I can say this with all modesty... Sharknado as a series is one of the greatest concepts ever committed to the small screen or the big screen. This should win Oscars. Emmys. Tonys. Pulitzers. Grammys. The Nobel Peace Prize!”

Real reporters rolled their eyes once again. Ziering carried on speaking. “It’s a pleasure to play this role and take part in a series of films that people respond so well to. Everyone loves Sharknado, and I mean everyone. I mean, it’ll take you a long time to go out and find someone who can say they’d hate these films.” This reporter sighed, expecting that in this case, a long time would rate as 0.06 seconds, given the fact that this reporter loathed these cheesy films. After that, within five more seconds, five other people could be found who said the same, on any given day. Ziering was still prattling on. “...and I don’t mind saying, since I first took on this role, I have become something of a Renaissance man. I, Ian Ziering, am the cultural touchstone of the era.”

Hasselhoff looked over at Ziering. “Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone knows I’m the cultural touchstone of the era. I’m the Hoff, after all.”

Ziering smirked. “Do you ever actually look at yourself in a mirror? Everyone out there laughs at you.”

Hasselhoff got up angrily. “Look, you little punk, I brought you into this world, and by the power of Baywatch, I can take you out of it!”

Ferrante was starting to look slightly alarmed at this point, no doubt wondering if he should have just done a solo press conference. Ziering rolled his eyes. “You are aware you only played my father in this film, and that you’re not actually my dad? Or have the booze and burgers gone to your brain?”

At this point, Hasselhoff charged past Ferrante, yanking Ziering out of his seat, and the two started brawling. “Nothing to see here!” Ferrante called out to the press, waving at an unseen aide to close the curtains on the stage. Reid and Derek scattered backstage. “Nothing wrong at all, thanks for your time, move along, have a nice day! Nothing to see here!”

The curtains closed. And yet the noise continued, the sounds of crashes and breaking things clearly ringing out, along with the occasional grunt, a howl, and Hasselhoff screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”