Four Scammers Of The Apocalypse

"Is it wrong to suggest a spammer should die a horribly painful death?  That depends on what a spammer is. We're in the glory days of the Roman empire here, people, and spam hasn't been invented yet." ~ Marcus Aurelius, AD 166, Rome

"Gustavo's, for all your going to the Colisseum needs! We've got comfortable cushions, fans for keeping cool on hot Rome days, the right way to dress if you want to catch the eye of the Emperor, and clothing that doesn't stain if some stray blood happens to spurt out into the audience from a dying gladiator. Remember, if it's not Gustavo's brand goods, you must be shopping in Pompeii, and that place has never been the same since Vesuvius blew its top." ~ Roman spam, AD 168

They are a foul pestilence on the globe. They are literally unable to take a hint and kindly drop dead (or not so kindly: drop dead whilst in a whole lot of horrendous pain). They are of course the spammers who keep trying to infest our blogs with endless crap they're trying to sell. Or their counterparts in the industry known in the trade as the internet scammer. Both are obnoxious on a level that makes the flesh eating disease look welcome (note to the flesh eating disease: infect a few thousand spammers and scammers). The following message turned up in my email not too long ago. My junk folders claimed it.

Dear Beneficiary,

Good day and may the peace of the most Gracious God be with you, please I have a problem and needs your help, I have decided that it's good a thing to write you for help.

 I am Emmanuel Yao, 19 years old, the only son of my late parents Mr. and Mrs. Edward Yao.  My father was a highly reputable business magnet (cocoa and gold merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory Coast and Ghana during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trip on 12th.September 2009. Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by one his brother who traveled with him. But only God knows the truth!

My mother died when I was just 4 years old, I went to my grand mother's house recently and I storm into a deposit certificate he used to deposited the sum of Twelve Million, Seven Hundred Thousand United State Dollars. (USD$12.700,000) and 3 boxes contained personal effects in one of the leading security company in Ghana.

I am just 19 years old and a University Undergraduate and really don't know what to do. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of the death of my late parents. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. I don't want any of my family member to know this and I want you to take this inheritance and help me travel to meet you in your country to continue my education.

I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:-

1. Can you honestly help me as your Son?

2. Can I completely trust you?
3. Can you contact the security company if I give you the certificate I have and transfer the fund to your country so that the gold boxes will remain for my future?

4. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the money is in your country.

Please, consider this and get back to me as soon as possible so that I can send you a scan copy of the certificate.

Thank you so much.

My Regards to your family,

Emmanuel Yao

Okay, let's go through our scamming scammer's message in turn. Our boy Emmanuel Yao (nice name to use as a fake cover) has his credentials in the Ivory Coast and Ghana (prime African scammer territory) and uses many of the same tell-tale signs of all African scammers. Bad grammar, punctuation, the sob story, the invocation of God to pass himself off as someone of virtue. Emmanuel (or whatever the hell his real name is) must be hoping I'm dumb enough to fall for the usual invoking God scammer trick. Note to Emmanuel: I'm not. I'd suggest sending this email to my idiot ex-brother-in-law, who really is stupid, but then again, all of his disposable money goes on booze and cigarettes, so you're not going to get far.

  He claims his father was a "highly reputable business magnet." While that might come in handy when dealing with steel and metal, Emmanuel, magnets aren't that handy in business. Come on, scamming scammer, try to keep up with the class, you're falling behind. You were obviously trying to pass off your totally non-existent daddy as a magnate. Which, for the record, I don't believe for a minute.

He then goes on to claim that his father bought the farm back in 2009 and hints that his uncle might have been behind it. Come on, are we talking about Hamlet here, or are you just putting a new spin on the African scammer trick?

"But only God knows the truth!" he exclaims! Well, no, if your non-existent evil uncle Claudius actually had offed your old man like you said, then Uncle Claudius would know too. Unless you're mistaking him for God. Wait a minute, we've already agreed this whole story is fake (well, you haven't, but you already know it is) and I'm now treading pretty close to blasphemy by comparing God to Hamlet's uncle. Though I'm sure Derek Jacobi wouldn't mind the comparison.

Still with me? I'm not talking to you, Emmanuel, I'm talking to my readers, who might be wondering if I'm galloping off madly in all directions.

Our scamming scammer mentions "storm into a deposit certificate" and the grand sum of 12.7 million United State dollars (seriously, dummies, is it that hard for you to spell it United States? It's only the most powerful country on the planet, you dimwits) resting in a security company in Ghana. He laments that he doesn't know what to do and mentions his setbacks. To which I say it's such a shame he didn't have more setbacks. Enough setbacks that he wouldn't be trying to scam half the planet with the same message. And then he asks several questions. Here are my answers.

1. No, I can not honestly help you as my son. Why? Because I don't have sons, particularly scamming scammers like yourself who do nothing in this world but waste oxygen. There's a special circle of hell reserved for scammers like you. I suggest you go find it post haste.

2. You certainly can't trust me anymore than I would ever trust you. If this scheme was real (which it's not), I'd gladly throw you to the dogs, fit you for cement shoes, or hire someone to send you for a long walk off a short dock, and keep every bit of the twelve million for myself (compensation for having to put up with scammers and spammers endlessly). Of course, since that money doesn't actually exist, this is a hypothetical question.

3. I will contact no such security company, because, well, see my answer to #2, and we already have established that there is no fortune waiting.

4.  What part of we already know there's no fortune do you not understand? Were you dropped on your head a lot as a child?

Sigh. Is there no end of them? Are they like the Hydra monster of Greek myth? Cut off one head and two more will rise up to replace it? Can they ever take a hint and just go away? Unlikely, given that this very post will draw in spam. They are entrenched in their positions, always on the lookout for that one person in ten thousand sent emails dumb enough to actually believe them. And if that happens to net them a few thousand in easy money before a banker advises the mark that they've been had, well... that's part of doing business.

For those of us who have to put up with them, though... they are a plague beyond plagues. Moses couldn't have dreamed up a plague this irritating. If this had been the first plague of ancient Egypt, the Pharoah would have begged Moses to take his people out of bondage straight off. "Anything but that!" he would have said. "I am not interested in silver futures hidden away by a non-existent general in Nubia!"