A Day In The Life Of A Bad Actress

8 :15 AM. Waking up in bed. Unfortunately there’s no sign of the one great love of my life. How long has it been since that harridan stole Brad from me?

8:32 AM. Downstairs having breakfast. Kale smoothie. Must watch our figure, after all, or we’ll start losing parts. And losing out on our chance to get Brad back.

8:37 AM. Reading the morning papers. Musing on the upcoming wedding. Which of course will be cancelled if Brad comes to his senses first and comes back to me. Oh, Brad, where did it all go wrong? Oh, yes, that heartless witch Angelina stealing you from me. Well, I’ll get her. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll get her, and then we’ll be together. Just like we were always meant to be.

8:48 AM. Still musing on my hopes and dreams for the future. Fortunately Justin’s off for a couple of weeks doing some film project or whatever it is, so I can play the song Brad and I first danced to as loud as I want. Yes, those were great days, back when I was on Friends and everyone loved me. Then the Evil One came and ripped him away from me...

10:05 AM. Daddy comes by to say hello. He’s not filming today. Oh, Daddy, I know it’s annoying being stuck in soap opera character role hell for the rest of your life, but at least it’s a steady paycheck, and it paid for my charm school lessons, didn’t it? And my nose job.

10:10 AM. I talk with Daddy about the upcoming wedding. Yes, sure, People Magazine and all those other magazines keep saying I’ve already eloped, or I’m pregnant with twins for the seven hundred forty eighth time, or I’m heartbroken, but seriously, I pay all those nitwits a lot of money to keep me on the covers every week. I am, after all, America’s Sweetheart, and I need all the attention I can get.

10:35 AM. Saying my goodbyes to Daddy, who heads out to his car. I could swear he’s muttering something about where he went wrong, but that’s just silly. Aren’t I practically perfect in every way? Oooo! That gives me an idea! I could play Mary Poppins in the next televised live musical! Or why don’t we just remake the movie for the big screen? It’s not as if anyone still gives a damn about Julie Andrews, right?

10:52 AM. Practicing my acceptance speech for Best Actress at the Oscars. Cake is sure to win, right? I know I’m sending out enough bribe money to cover it, and everyone loves me, right? Okay, here we go. “After all this time, I’m blessed and honoured to have finally achieved the summit of my life. It’s only going to be better once Brad gets up and gives me a big kiss. Just to see the look on that harpy’s face...”

11:26 AM. “... and one more thing! Angelina Jolie, eat your ****ing heart out, you *****!!! **** you! I win, you ****ing tramp! With that, thanks to the Academy.” Wow! What a speech that’s going to make! Now I’ll just have to figure out a way to keep that annoying orchestra from starting up trying to get me to leave the stage three minutes in. I mean, I’m Jennifer Aniston. I’m America’s Sweetheart, damn it, and no one rushes me off the stage!

12:14 PM. Sitting down despite my better judgement to watch Maleficent. I mean, since Angelina really is a witch, it’s typecasting, and since Maleficent is pure evil, at least this should fit that evil, awful person.

12:30 PM. Wait, this isn’t right.... she’s evil! We’re not supposed to feel sorry for her! Whoever wrote this film got everything wrong!

2:00 PM. Well that was a waste of time. The villain’s also the hero? Angelina Jolie comes across sympathetic playing a villain?? Unthinkable! Where’s my Angelina Jolie voodoo doll? I want to cause her pain!!!

2:05 PM. Sticking pins in the voodoo doll. Oh, it’s no use. It’s not as if this thing even works. The only thing that’s remotely worked was that chicken pox curse I had a Jamaican witch cast on her, and even then, she still came across as sympathetic in the eyes of the public.

3:10 PM. Doing interviews hyping my film. Keep that smile pasted on, Jen-Jen, and don’t even react if they ask you about Brad and the Evil One. That’s what they’re looking for.

4:48 PM. One of my assistants turns up after I’m done interviews. Mary Beth informs me of two things. First, Julie Andrews sent over a tersely worded go to hell note meant for me.  And second, that I’m currently being mocked by a blogger by the name of Kendall who doesn’t hold me in the highest of esteem as so many members of the public do. Mary Beth? I want you to find a leg breaker thug to break his legs.

4:49 PM. Mary Beth informs me that this Kendall person is out there beyond the Fourth Wall and is therefore omnipotent and beyond the reach of my revenge. She adds that he would no doubt find it hilarious to be described as omnipotent.  I look up at the ceiling and curse his name, vowing that I’ll get him too, as soon as I’ve had my revenge on that evil witch, gotten Brad back, and reclaimed all that’s due to me. I am, after all, America’s Sweetheart, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone mock me.

5:35 PM. Looking at the covers of this week’s entertainment magazines. I am featured prominently on seven out of eight of them. Apparently I’m pregnant yet again..... my, reading that title, I can feel how barren my womb is.... and this one says Justin and I are having a marital meltdown  over wedding plans. This one has me in a catfight with Angelina over Brad. Yes, well, it’s just a matter of time, and when I get her, I’ll gouge her eyes out!

7:52 PM. Doing a red carpet appearance at some film premiere. Don’t really care which one, just as long as I get my beautiful face in the papers and on the entertainment shows. Hello, America, it’s me, America’s Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston! You love me, you really love me!

7:55 PM. I stop to chat with someone from Access Hollywood. What is her name again? I can never remember the names of the little people. Oh, well, Jen-Jen, just run with it, smile, and laugh and throw your hair back in that Rachel way of yours.

7:57 PM. Whatever her name is shows me a video. It’s my Justin, drinking, and going on and on about how he’s thrown his life away being engaged to an attention junkie who can’t get over her ex.

My smile vanishes. I must look like a deer in the headlights.

I’m going to kill him.

8:35 PM. Back at home. Mary Beth is watching me pace back and forth. Many expletives are being shouted by me. Okay, okay... how do we spin this? Do we get some ****ing starlet to say she’s having an affair with him, because that’s the best way to get America on my side, after all. I am America’s Sweetheart, and they must be sympathetic to me. Hey, what’s Tara Reid doing right now? I need someone who’s desperate for attention, and this could keep her in the press for months. Just as long as she doesn’t overwhelm me. This could be a win-win for both of us. Mary Beth, get her on the line!

9:25 PM. Out at the front of the house, issuing statement to the gathered press. Yes, I’m very much saddened by the video, but we don’t really know the context of what’s been said or what Justin meant by all that. After all, when you’re drinking, you’re not really yourself, particularly if you’re drinking with that man stealing tart Tara Reid! I try to look surprised when I utter those words. The press buy it hook line and sinker. I then launch into a tirade about man stealing witches like Angelina Jolie and how evil and vile they really are.

11:37 PM. Mary Beth and I are having a drink on the back terrace. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that wise to go off the cuff and start ranting. You don’t think this is going to damage my chances for an Oscar, do you? Or more importantly, do you think this’ll make Brad think twice about the inevitable coming back to me that he surely has to do? I mean, really, I’m not getting any younger and my womb’s getting less viable by the minute...

Shake off those doubts, Jen-Jen. Brad will come back to me! And I will have my Oscar! And I will see that evil witch Angelina cry for the rest of her life!