A Narcissist And Her One True Love

Before I get started with today's mischief, some links for you to consider. Norma wrote about the unreality of television shows the other day at her blog. Yesterday was a Friday, so AngryParsnip had a Square Dog Friday. Shelly had some news at her blog. Krisztina has spring and summer decoration ideas at her blog. And Eve writes about Pomp And Circumstance.

Now then, we have ourselves one of those dear God, did I actually write that kind of blogs today. If I happen to meet a bad end, you know who had me throttled, drawn and quartered, and subjected to all kinds of painful tortures.

Actress Introduces Love Of Her Life, Raises Concerns About Ethics

Los Angeles (AP) Actress Katherine Heigl, former cast member of Grey’s Anatomy, lead of the upcoming series State Of Affairs, star of numerous forgettable films, and all around narcissist, held a press conference here to make a startling announcement that set off a flurry of outrage and questions over the ethics of science. Reporters had been roped into showing up for the press conference despite their better judgment. Others, such as this reporter, had been forced to go after inadvertently insulting the mother-in-law of their editor by simply asking if the old bat had taught cruelty lessons to the Gestapo.

A spokesperson met the reporters at an auditorium set aside for the occasion, introducing Ms. Heigl, who has a reputation for being full of herself and difficult to work with. Before she stepped out on stage, the entire auditorium erupted in applause- recorded applause, as it turned out. Heigl came out, flashing that megawatt smile mixed with the usual expression of disdain in her eyes. “Hello and welcome! But of course you came. You had to. Everyone out there is fascinated by me, after all.” She smiled and stood at the podium. “I have a tremendous announcement. One that’s going to have me on all the magazine covers for the rest of time. Or should I say, us?” 

She gazed out onto the crowd of reporters, oblivious to the fact that all of them would have preferred to be elsewhere. “I did some soul searching, ladies and gentlemen of the press. I realized I was unhappy. And the reason I was unhappy was that I wasn’t with the one person I loved. The one person I couldn’t live without. And then the solution came to me. First, of course, I had to get a quickie divorce from what’s his name, because let’s face it, he just wasn’t doing it for me.” The casualness in which she expressed such remarks confused the press, and confirmed general opinions about the entertainment industry in general and Katherine Heigl in particular.

“Second, I had to find myself a scientist to help me make my dream come true. And not just any scientist, but one whose ethical considerations could be tossed out the window at a moment’s notice,” Heigl boasted. “And I found him. Doctor Otto von Frankenstein- no relation, by the way- was teaching physics in Vienna, well respected, we’re talking genius level ideas here. We got to talking about his ideas of parallel universes and alternate realities. It’s all a little technical, and I’d be lying if I said I understood it, but the point is, there was the concept that there are an infinite amount of alternate realities out there. Which means there are an infinite number of Katherine Heigls out there. Isn’t that just a spectacular possibility? How could I not pursue that idea?”

A collective gasp seemed to rise up out of the crowd of reporters. Heigl beamed as she continued. “Without further ado, allow me to introduce my future wife, the love of my life, just as ravishingly beautiful as me in every way- believe me, I’ve checked out every square inch of her- here she is, Katherine Heigl!”

Another Katherine Heigl appeared on the stage, beaming the same megawatt smile and the same disdain for other people. In every single way, they were lookalikes. The two Katherine Heigls shared a passionate kiss, hands all over each other, putting on a show. Reporters seemed stunned.

Finally a Reuters correspondent spoke up. “Are you suggesting you went into an alternate reality?”

The two Katherine Heigls pulled out of their kiss and composed themselves. “I’m not suggesting anything,” this reality’s Katherine Heigl declared. “I did go into alternate realities searching for my other half, my perfect soulmate. Doctor von Frankenstein’s technology is able to breach dimensional walls... I’m sure nothing will ever go wrong with such concepts, right? Mind you, the first Katherine Heigl I came across wasn’t quite what I was looking for. She wasn’t an actress that everyone was amazed by. I found that strange. I mean, she was spending her life doing charitable work. Caring for lepers, tending to orphaned cute animals. In short, wasting her time.”

“Who’d want to spend their life doing good for others, anyway?” The Other Katherine Heigl asked, flaunting her relationship with this reality’s Katherine Heigl by openly stroking her hands all over her.

“Exactly! See? Katherine and I agree with each other.”

“We certainly do, don’t we? She’s my cutie pie sweetie.”

“And she’s my hot babe sex machine,” this reality’s Heigl boasted. “Believe me, the sex is incredible. She knows all the right moves that get me hot and bothered, because she is me and I am her. And I know all the right moves to get her turned on, not to mention that special place where she’s most ticklish, because I’m her and she’s me. Of course, by now I think that’s perfectly clear, right?”

This reporter started wondering how easy it would be to simply walk out of the auditorium and find a position with another media outlet. This was getting too weird. Instead this reporter spoke up. “You don’t find anything about this unethical? Just plain wrong?”

“Wrong?” this reality’s Katherine Heigl asked in a dismissive way. “Look, if you’re the sort who has problems with same sex marriage, it’s the twenty first century, and it’s time for you to face reality.”

“Yes,” the Other Katherine Heigl agreed, nuzzling this reality’s Katherine Heigl’s neck.

“Ms. Heigl... Other Ms. Heigl, I have no problem with that. That’s not what I mean,” this reporter stated. “I’m talking about the ethical consequences of actually travelling to alternate dimensions and taking chances with the fabric of reality simply because you’re so self-absorbed that you can only be happy with another you. That, ladies, is what one might find objectionable.” Other reporters were nodding in agreement.

Both Katherine Heigls rolled their eyes and waved that off. “Oh, please,” the Other Katherine Heigl said in the same dismissive tone as her fiancée.

This reality’s Katherine Heigl nodded. “Doctor von Frankenstein promised that if it all went wrong with the dimensional crossover process, reality would merely cave in on itself, causing a cataclysmic collapse that would annihilate the entire known universe. My happiness outweighed any such concerns about that, so I deemed it an acceptable risk. And look... here we are. We’re all still here, and I’ve found the one great love of my life. I’ve found my true happiness. Besides, aren’t the two of us the most breathtaking, beautiful women you’ve ever seen?”

The two Katherine Heigls gazed into each other’s eyes, sharing another kiss. Reporters glanced at each other, wondering how long it might be before Tom Cruise tried the same thing. “So, we’re getting married,” the Other Katherine Heigl declared.

“Is that even legal?” another reporter asked.

“Not in every state, not yet, despite what Fox News and the Tea Party would like to see happen,” this reality’s Katherine Heigl answered. “However, our attorney tells us that even though we’re both Katherine Heigl, we do have the right to marry each other. So we’re planning our wedding for the fall. Boston’s lovely that time of year with the autumn colours.”

“We’re debating whether or not to have cameras follow us around and film the whole thing,” the Other Katherine Heigl added.

“They’d no doubt like to film the wedding night too,” Heigl told her fiancée.

“Which will be hot and steamy,” the Other Katherine Heigl said with a wink.

Both Katherine Heigls laughed and kissed again. Then this reality’s Katherine Heigl said, “And so there you have it. Our big announcement. We’re expecting to dominate headlines, so don’t you dare let us down! Don’t you let our audience down either!” The two Katherine Heigls walked off stage, fondling each other along the way.

The reporters were left to absorb it all. Some called their editors. Others called AA sponsors to admit that they were having a weak moment and felt tempted to drink. This reporter pinched himself in the vain attempt to persuade himself that it was all a dream and this wasn’t actually happening. Unfortunately that was not to be.

The Reuters correspondent said it best. “Well, what do you expect out of a scientist named Frankenstein, anyway?”