Kurse Of The Kardashians

Pointless Reality Show Family Holds Pointless Press Conference Just To Annoy Real Journalists

Los Angeles (AP) The committee overseeing Hollywood’s Walk of Fame had a rather unusual meeting this week, which ended in some unlikely events. The Chamber of Commerce, which manages the more than 2500 stars arrayed in Hollywood of famous actors, musicians, and others in the industry, were being asked to consider someone whose fame is dubious at least.

This reporter was, to his great protest, forced to attend the events. It seems this reporter has an editor who took offense to his inadvertent remark that her child’s fingerpainting looked like something a monkey would do. So this reporter was being punished by being sent out to cover entertainment events amid a sea of paparazzi. This reporter found himself wishing that a legendary Mountie could be in attendance to teach some of these entertainment “journalists” some manners, but word has it that Inspector Ulrich is in Canada, and has been known to remark that Los Angeles needs to be hit by the next big earthquake, if only to wipe out ninety percent of the world’s entertainment reporters.

On this day, the Kardashian family turned up to demand that Kim Kardashian, the centerpiece daughter of the reality show clan, be given a star on the Walk of Fame. The group included stepfather and demented former Olympian Bruce Jenner, who recently separated from clan matriarch Kris Jenner (who has never heard of a photo op she didn’t like), daughters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney, and Kanye West, the overrated self-absorbed musician who happens to have a baby with Kim.  

The Chamber took five minutes to say that Kim Kardashian does not deserve a spot on the Walk of Fame. A wise decision, to say the least, and it’s the kinder way of saying what they must have been thinking: are you people really this crazy and stupid? Needless to say, the Kardashian clan (or Klan, as they’d like to be called) were annoyed. West seemed angry as he walked out among the reporters, followed by the rest of the family. “**** ‘em! You hear me? I said **** ‘em! What do they know? My baby mama’s a star, and she deserves a star! Everyone’s fascinated by her! And not just ‘cause she received the seed of the Almighty Kanye! I mean, how many women are there out there with little Kanyes? I’ve lost count. Wait, did I say that out loud? Doesn’t matter! All that matters is what I say, and I’m gonna go out there and convince the world that these morons are wrong!”

He started towards the door. “Because I’m Kanye West, and I’m bigger than them! I’m bigger than Jesus! I’m bigger than God!” At this point, he walked out the door, out onto the street, and out of nowhere, he was struck down by a large meteorite that appeared out of nowhere, smashing right into him and killing him instantly. Later, the real reporters on the scene of the first fatality by meteorite agreed that we’d all seen that one coming, and that we wouldn’t miss someone as pretentious as Kanye West anyway. At the moment, however, we all looked at the Kardashian family.

Kim seemed perplexed. It’s a common expression for her, and for the whole family. “Kanye? Baby? Are you okay? Mom, what just happened?” she asked, looking at her mother, and her sisters.

Kris Jenner shrugged. “Don’t worry, sweetie, we’ll find you someone else to leach off of. Maybe that John Mayer guy. Look, what just happened isn’t that important. Sure we’ll all miss Keith, Kevin, or whatever the hell his name was, but what’s important is that these idiots in the Chamber of Commerce don’t realize how important it is to do everything we say. We’re the Kardashians, after all, and we deserve to be treated with respect.”

“I’m not sure why I’m here,” Bruce Jenner muttered. “I mean, aren’t we breaking up?”

“Quiet, you,” Kris admonished him. “So we’ll just have to show them. Effective immediately, big news in the Kardashian empire. Now that I’m ditching Mr. Mumbles here, I’m on the lookout for someone new. So I’m going to get myself hitched to Billy Ray Cyrus. Sure, I’ve never met him, but this is all about the marketing angle, and everyone’s talking about his daughter right now. Can you see Miley as stepsister to my girls Kim and Khloe and Kourtney, and whatever the hell the other girl’s names are? It’ll be ratings gold! Of course, Miley and Billy Ray will have to change their names from Cyrus to Kyrus.”

This reporter spoke up. “Ms. Jenner, what do you say to the following? It has been said that the Kardashian family are quote, a pestilence and an abomination to anyone capable of thinking, a drain on the intellectual abilities of those foolish enough to pay them any attention, and a clan of bottom feeders that wastes perfectly good oxygen, end quote.”

Kris looked outraged. “Who told you that?”

“Well, William Kendall, the ranking expert on instigating mischief and tormentor of marketing executives, as a matter of fact,” this reporter admitted.

“And where do I find this William Kendall, because I’m going to kill... I mean, I’m going to have a nice conversation and set him straight about the difference we make in so many lives every day.”

“Unfortunately, he’s out there beyond the Fourth Wall,” this reporter told her, knowing that such theoretical concepts are beyond the comprehension of someone so shallow and clueless.

“And what is this Fourth Wall?” Kris demanded, her eyes flaring in anger.

This reporter began to explain despite himself. “You see, there’s a theory that none of this is actually happening, that we’re merely characters, and there’s a man with a computer...”

“Oh, don’t be silly! Now look, this still stands. Our getting Kim a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just the starting point. Because we were going to get Khloe and Kourtney stars too. And what’s their names, my other kids. Because we’re the Kardashians, and we deserve it! And it’s just the first step to my ultimate goal. Having the country renamed Kardashia. Because when I’m through, I’ll be the Queen of Kardashia. And all of you will be our lowly footservants.”

“You realize you said that out loud?” another reporter asked.

“I did?” Kris asked, looking clueless, a common problem among the Kardashians. She pushed her way through the crowd, followed by her brood and the shiftless senile Bruce. They paused by the meteorite that only minutes earlier had crushed Kanye West before moving on. Whatever was left of Kanye was oozing from beneath the rock on the damaged street. Kim was the last to leave.

She called after her mother, “Hey, Mom, how fast do you think I can hook up with John Mayer?”