A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:35 AM. Waking up. The staff is already in the kitchen. She'd better be making my breakfast. And something proper befitting my regal status this time. None of those field rations.

7:36 AM. Investigating the presence of the staff in the kitchen. There's a bowl of field rations waiting in the usual place. Staff, what have I told you about this? I don't want that!

7:45 AM. Staff gives me a pet across the head while I'm not expecting it, and tells me to have a good day. Wait a minute, staff, your responsibility is to tend to my every whim. Why do these people at that work place you go to never seem to understand that?

7:47 AM. There goes the staff. Well, I suppose I'll have to amuse myself today.

7:50 AM. Checking counters to see if the staff left any food lying about. No trace of a bowl of milk or some nice tuna. Looks like I will have to eat the field rations.

8:05 AM. After much reluctance, I consume some of the field rations. Staff, we will have to have an intense conversation in which you finally understand my disdain for these kibbles.

8:10 AM. Sitting at window, staring outside. Off in the distance, there's barking. It's that annoying mutt from down the road. 

I really don't understand the purpose of dogs in the world...

8:45 AM. Still staring outside, looking over the vastness of my domain. I am Cat. Hear me roar.

8:53 AM. Wait a minute, what's that?  It's that dog. And he's on my property!

This will not stand!

8:54 AM. Howling and hissing through the window. The dog just stands there out on the lawn, wagging his tail and grinning like an idiot, barking once or twice. 

Dogs are morons. 

8:56 AM. Have just expressed my disdain for the dog in a way that Denis Leary would appreciate.

9:00 AM. The dog finally leaves. Yes, and don't come back. Next time I might be outside, and I'll have to teach you some manners.

12:45 PM. Waking up from solid three hour nap. One can never have too many naps.

1:30 PM. Just how long does it take for the staff to finish this "work" thing anyway? I am impatient and in need of someone to wait on me.

5:30 PM. Woken up from another three hour nap. The staff walks in through the front door. Oh, there you are. I hope you brought tuna back with you. Salmon will do in a pinch.

6:35 PM. The staff gives me a proper meal, far more acceptable than field rations. Tuna pate with milk on the side, and some strawberry ice cream. Staff, this helps, but in the future, you will clear all days with me that you have to go to this "work" place.

7:00 PM. The staff switches on the television. For some reason she's putting on an entertainment news show. Come on, now staff, don't you know those things drain your brain cells nearly as fast as reality television? 

Oh, not that guy. Ben Mulroney is such a sleaze. Even for an entertainment journalist.

Staff, turn it off. Or turn on Animal Planet. Maybe they have a program about cats and how magnificent we all are.

7:03 PM. It's no use. The staff is enthralled with the stories from some film festival in Toronto. Nothing good ever came out of Toronto, staff. I mean, these are people who love the Maple Leafs, which goes to show you how crippled their personal judgment really is...

7:06 PM. Mulroney really is full of himself. Must run in the family.

Hey, wait a minute, I see someone in the background... is that Lars Ulrich? The Mountie?

Now he's good people. For a human, anyway.

7:08 PM. Mulroney intercepts Inspector Ulrich, who looks annoyed and not happy to be around so many entertainment journalists. Starts asking lots of questions, like how he feels about the casting of the Fifty Shades Of Gray movie.

Staff, what does that mean?

7:09 PM. Mulroney makes the mistake of asking the Inspector when Metallica will be performing in Toronto.

Ulrich has just attained the patented look that can kill expression.

7:10 PM. Mulroney gets decked by the angry Inspector after trying to clarify if he's the other Lars Ulrich. Oh, come on, are all of you entertainment reporters really this stupid? 

7:12 PM. The staff wonders where Inspector Ulrich dragged Ben Mulroney. Just as long as you're not going to ask if he's the guy with Metallica. It seems he doesn't particularly like when people ask that.

10:45 PM. Watching the staff knitting. Something about those needles is mesmerizing. Not to mention all that string... but she keeps that out of my reach.

11:15 PM. The national news is on. It seems Ben Mulroney was found hanging upside down from the CN Tower. All the paramedics could get out of him was something about an angry heavy metal drummer.

You'd think by now he'd be able to know they're not the same person.

11:28 PM. Wrap up item on the day's news. It seems that Mulroney's dad Brian, the former Prime Minister, has a comment. "I always warned Ben that this would happen if he went into entertainment journalism. Sooner or later he'd be hanging from a bungee cord from the CN Tower. But did he listen to me?"

Your kid totally had it coming. And I can see where his sleaziness comes from.

The staff mutters something about that despicable SOB as she turns off the television. I guess she's not a fan of the former PM. 

Hey, staff, why are you turning off the light? I can do that myself, you know.

Well, come to think of it... no, I can't.