A Tale Of Two Grouches

It Was The Grouchiest Of Times, It Was The Grumpiest Of Times

Edmonton (CP).  A cat lover’s convention in the capital of Alberta saw an unlikely meeting of two grouches this weekend. Tardar Sauce, the famously sour looking cat that has caught the adoration of millions across the internet with her frown and an endless series of memes, was appearing at the convention with her staff at her beck and call. The cat has become beloved for the characteristic grumpy expression she seems to always have, though her staff remarked to reporters that Tardar Sauce is in fact quite affectionate. Tabatha Bundesen, who is responsible for fulfilling Tardar Sauce and her brother Pokey’s every whim and wish, recently had Tardar Sauce up at the SXSW festival, and this time, the famous grumpy cat turned up at the Divinity of Cats weekend convention and seminar series.

Tardar Sauce was the object of much attention throughout, and true to form, seemed to roll her eyes at the reporters and members of the public. Her sullen expression never seemed to change, as if, in this reporter’s opinion, she was thinking, “I hate every single one of you, and I hope you die.” Perhaps this reporter has been looking at one too many Grumpy Cat memes.

Unfortunately, members of Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight somehow got word of the convention, and turned up. They found their way to Tardar Sauce, who was in the midst of being cooed over by members of the public, folks remarking on just how cute she is in person. “Grumpy Cat!” one barked, an overly cheerful reporter new to the Entertainment Tonight team. “Dusty Jones, Entertainment Tonight. Just want to say what a privilege it is to talk to you today, and ask a big question. Are you in any way related to Jeremy Renner?”

Tardar Sauce stared at the reporter, as if sizing him up as a potential alternative to a mouse. She glared at him in a way that would make someone of greater intelligence decide to back off and walk away.

However, entertainment reporters are not known for intelligence. Jones pressed on. “Any chance you’ll co-star with Will Smith’s kids in a remake of Sabrina The Teenage Witch? Word has it Will and Jada want Jaden and Willow to star in a remake....”

Tardar Sauce rolled her eyes. If this reporter could see into the mind of a superior being like a cat, he would have to conclude the cat was thinking of having Jones taken out by a hit-cat.

Suddenly there was a stir in the crowd. Legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, who had recently foiled a plot to steal Nutella in Germany, was back in Canada, and walking through the convention. This surprised reporters; none of us knew he liked cats. He was in uniform though, and he might well have been passing through on business.

Later, serious reporters discovered he was in the city to meet with superiors, and was merely passing through the conference centre on his way out. That didn’t stop the entertainment reporters from calling out his name. “Lars! Lars! How about a pic with the world’s most famous grumpy cat?”

Inspector Ulrich found himself seemingly pushed by a crowd towards the area where Tardar Sauce was sitting in her basket... and where the entertainment reporters were waiting. Flashbulbs went off as the Inspector in his working uniform stood near the cat. Both grouches looked at each other... and it was as if two like minds met. They looked back at the reporters with the same expression of sheer disdain.

“Lars! Lars!” Jones bellowed. “Tell me, now that you’re here, is there any chance that Metallica would like to have Grumpy Cat appear in a video?”

Ulrich sighed, rolling his eyes. “First of all... why would anyone subject a cat to the awful screeching noise of heavy metal? They have delicate ears, after all.” He fixed his glare, a terrible and vengeful look in the expression, squarely on Jones. “And second.... I am not that Lars Ulrich, you bloody nitwit!”

Jones stared at the Inspector. “Really? Because the information I have...”

Jones never got to finish his sentence. The Inspector decked him squarely across the jaw, sending him falling. He gave the crew from Access Hollywood and Jones’ own crew a good glare, and the look in his eyes was enough to send them fleeing through the crowd.

Then the most astonishing thing happened. Tardar Sauce rose from her basket, just within reach of the Inspector, rubbed her head against his arm, and started purring. Bundesen was flabbergasted. “She’s never done that with someone she just met.”

Ulrich looked down at the cat and shrugged. “Next time you can claw their faces.”