Goodbye, Mittens, Don't Forget To Write

"If a politician murders his mother, the first response of the press or of his opponents will likely be not that it was a terrible thing to do, but rather that in a statement made six years before he had gone on record as being opposed to matricide." ~ Meg Greenfield

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it." ~ Mark Twain

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." ~ Ambrose Bierce

"Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods." ~ H.L. Mencken

"Popularity should be no scale for the election of politicians. If it would depend on popularity, Donald Duck and the Muppets would take seats in senate." ~ Orson Welles

"Hmmm... Kermit For President, Muppet Party 2016... has a nice ring to it." Kermit the Frog

At long, long last, it's over. The endless ordeal that was the 2012 US election campaign actually did reach an end last night, with President Obama scoring a narrow victory over Governor Mittens. The long road has reached its end, with crushing disappointment for one side, the jubilation of victory for the other, and already political minds and pundits talking about what's going to happen in 2016 (Yes, I know, just like you, I'd like to grab them all by the throat and yell "What's wrong with you?????").

This is, fortunately, the last in the line of election campaign blogs for me (at least until 2016!). If by chance you haven't seen it, check out our joint blog, where we had a Without A Word blog having fun of things yesterday.

Aside from the big campaign coming to an end, there were of course some other notable results. In Missouri, Claire McCaskill handed a defeat to Republican Todd Akin, the Senate hopeful who put his foot in his mouth some weeks ago by his complete ignorance of basic female anatomy and going on and on about "legitimate rape." And the states of Washington and Colorado made recreational users of marijuana very, very happy. Denver and Seattle are preparing for a massive influx of newcomers, who are going to put a lot of money into the local economies, particularly in the purchase of cheesies and chips.

As you can imagine, the pundits and comedians were already having a field day with the subject last night, and will for some time to come. For the rest of us, we're feeling something of a hangover.

Well, aside from Governor Mittens, who's not allowed to drink, though I'm sure right about now he'd like to... 

Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and Glenn Beck all spontaneously combusted last night as the evening went on, though Darth Rupert does have their personalities on file to be downloaded into new clone bodies. Apparently spontaneous combustion happens quite often to these three; this is, by all reports, the two hundred ninety seventh time this has happened to Limbaugh.

The editorial cartoonists of the world have a lot to work with now...

Governor Mittens, however, has reached the end of the road. There are few second chances in America for presidential candidates, so he'll have to pack up and go home. Might be hard going back to Massachusetts, since they voted strongly against him... and so did his home state of Michigan.

Maybe it's time to go visit his money in overseas tax havens for the next few years. And look into changing his name. And growing a beard. Either that, or tell anyone who asks, "Oh, no, no relation at all, I just look like that guy."

For the President, on the other hand, well, he has a bit of time to bask in the victory. Sure, he has a Republican opposition in Congress still foaming at the mouth to undermine him at every step, and a fragile economy to treat with the greatest care....

President Obama, you might want to bask in the victory for no more than five hours. Six, at absolute most.

And whatever you do, make sure Biden doesn't say anything.

For the rest of us, we can breathe a sigh of relief. No more endless speeches, rhetoric, attack ads, and wall to wall coverage. It's been settled all in one night. Congratulations, America. We weren't sure if you had it in you to get it done that quickly. None of us wanted to watch a repeat of the debacle in 2000, after all...

Granted, of course... the pundits were already talking on a couple of the channels I checked out about possible contenders in 2016.  I know. I feel like unleashing the zombie plot bunnies on anyone who's already talking about next time.

Though rumor has it the Republicans are going to field country singer Toby Keith and motormouth Ann Coulter for the ticket next time out. With Ted Nugent becoming Secretary of State.

And so I leave you for the last time (barring any chance that last night was a dream and we're just all waking up right now to a massive dispute over what really happened that'll drag out for months to come) with the two candidates you should have voted for.

Hamish and Watson