A Day In The Life Of A Cat

8:10 AM. Awakened by sound of staff descending stairs. Staff, how many times have I told you that you must be much more quiet first thing in the morning? Try descending on tip toes, and avoid that third step from the top. There's a creaking sound every time anyone steps on it.

Including me.

8:20 AM. Staff has prepared my breakfast. Profoundly disappointed to see that it is, yet again, field rations. Must give my staff the look of utter disappointment to express my disapproval. As usual, she just does not get it. Staff rarely do.

8:35 AM. Have reluctantly eaten field rations. Much too dry. Where is the tuna when you need it?

8:50 AM. Out the door for early patrols of my territory. Contemplating going over to Mrs. McIntyre to get spoiled rotten.

9:15 AM. Oh, rats. It's that neighbouring dog. Again. Doesn't he get the point? I don't like dogs.

9:16 AM. Dog gets too close, and tries to sniff me at my hind quarters. Swat dog's legs with my claws to teach him some respect. Dog howls in protest.

9:17 AM. Inform dog that cats do not appreciate being sniffed like that. Certainly not by a foul canine. Dog looks confused. Dogs usually are confused, after all.

9:35 AM. Have long since left foolish dog behind. No sign of squirrels today. Birds mostly gone south, aside from those who stay around. Staff refuses to set up bird feeder on principle that it would be like a buffet table for me. Note to self: order bird feeder and seed online.

10:10 AM. Staff lets me back into the house. Staff having tea, mentions evening engagement. Still disappointed in staff's continued insistence at feeding me field rations. Staff, if bacon is good enough for you in the morning, why are you not feeding it to me?

10:20 AM. Staff pours herself glass of water at sink. Must jump on counter. Drinking water from the tap straight is so much better than from a bowl on the floor, after all...

10:21 AM. Testing water temperature by dabbing paw through  tap flow. Staff looks amused. Staff, you had better not turn the water off. Or take a picture. Ah, yes... now it's cold enough.

Settle down in sink and lap up some falling water.

10:23 AM. Staff has taken picture of me with my tongue out in the waterstream. Staff, I swear, if that goes out on Facebook, you and I will have words....

11:37 AM. Staff rubs catnip on scratching post. Scent of catnip sends me into berzerker state. Attacking scratching post now!!!!!

12:05 PM. Exhausted from near half hour of catnip frenzy. Must take nap.

2:10 PM. Waking up from nap. Big stretch required to wake up properly. Will go bother staff to let me back out.

2:25 PM. Out on stroll. Coming around corner, and nearly bump into skunk.

Fortunately this one wasn't startled.

Even more fortunate that this one isn't romantically inclined.

Honestly, what is it with French skunks?

2:30 PM. Wrap up chat with skunk, who's been courteous enough not to spray me. She mentions running into a sheepdog down the road the other day and teaching him some manners.

Unfortunately that's not the mutt I had a run in with this morning.

He would have deserved it.

Have a good day, skunk.

3:10 PM. Returning home. Will take nap on front porch. Still warm enough for it, and I like the sun...

4:25 PM. Wake up. Sun nearly down. Pounce on window sill to demand staff let me back in.

4:35 PM. Staff finally lets me in. Took long enough...

4:55 PM. Staff busy upstairs. Sniffing at scratching post. Catnip scent gone. For now...

Must get access to catnip supply. Then I can go berzerk anytime I want...

5:35 PM. Staff comes back downstairs, seemingly over dressed in a fancy way. Wondering if staff is going out on a date tonight. Haven't heard of anyone new in her life. Certainly not have given my approval of anyone new in her life. Staff, it had better not be a dog person. Remember what a jerk the last dog person was? Of course you do. Well, he was a jerk because he was a dog person!

5:40 PM. Staff sets down dinner for me. Field rations again, but some tuna on the side. And milk. Staff, this is somewhat acceptable, but instead of the field rations, I'd rather have some wine sauce to dip the tuna in.

Staff? Staff? Oh, there she goes again...

6:10 PM. Staff returns downstairs again. Puts on shoes and grabs coat. Mentions going off to wedding. Just as long as you're not the one getting married. I will have to personally approve any potential spouses in advance, you know. And if I don't like them, they're out the door.

6:15 PM. Staff on her way out. Picks up keys. Says good night. Asking staff when she'll be back. No reply out of staff. Staff, I expect you to be in no later than eleven. Is that understood?

6:17 PM. Staff leaves driveway in car. Watching her go from back of couch in living room. She has four hours, forty three minutes to return.

Otherwise I will be very put out.

6:20 PM. Okay, so what am I going to do all by myself the rest of the evening? Find a ball of yarn to unwind? Overturn the carpet? Order pizza?

To Be (in a manner of speaking) Continued...