Beware The Ghost Of Juan Antonio Samaranch

"This has been the greatest Winter Olympic games ever!" ~ Juan Antonio Samaranch, Nagano 1998

"You said that last time, you miserable old bastard!" ~ random heckler, Nagano 1998

"This has been the greatest summer Olympic games ever!" ~ Juan Antonio Samaranch, Athens 2000

"Certainly better than last time. I mean, really, Atlanta was a disaster all the way through. Carpet bombing of mass advertising that looked really tacky, a bombing... I mean, what were we thinking? Note to all Olympic boards who follow in my wake: it's too late to take the Salt Lake Games from them, but after that, no more Olympics for those Americans for at least fifty years, right? Now then, where was I? Oh, yes, playing to the crowd with my standard greatest Olympics ever line. I can't believe those peasants actually buy that. The fools. All right, Juan. Finish the speech. Then you can get back to doing what you do best. Ruling the IOC with an iron fist. Hah! I am master and commander! My word is absolute! Life is good when you have freedom to completely oppress everyone around you..." ~ what Juan Antonio Samaranch was actually thinking, Athens 2000

Juan Antonio Samaranch, also known as The Glorious Leader

Well, the London Olympic games of 2012 are nearly upon us, starting up this weekend. For years the city has been getting ready to welcome the world, and the world is coming in, while Londoners are getting out of the city if at all possible. London weather has behaved spectacularly all summer, drenching the city in rain (hey, it's London, what did you expect?). A private security company hired to do much of the security work has blundered in an even more spectacular way, leaving the British government rather redfaced and the police and military having to pick up the slack. 

A profoundly ugly tower has been built at the Olympic park. An even uglier mascot has been designed for the Games (seriously, who actually designs mascots for any of these games? And what drug are they using? And why do you need a mascot in the first place?)

Scalpers in London are engaged in the timeless art of ripping off the naive, while doping enforcers are ferreting out the athletes who might be tempted to cheat. The potential cheaters are wondering if they can get away with Contingency Plan #821.

Meanwhile, in order to protect the fragile interests of the multibillion dollar sponsors, jackbooted Olympics brand inspectors have, once again, been going around to local shops who might, oh, have the sheer audacity of baking an Olympic cake, or grandmothers knitting something Olympic themed for a charity cause, and telling them that no, they can't do that without express permission of the IOC.

To borrow a very appropriate British-ism.... wankers.

And of course the IOC, not wanting to offend the Arab world, claim their hands are tied once again on the issue of showing a moment of silence in regards to the Munich 1972 murders of Israeli athletes by terrorists. In their world view, this would be mixing politics with the spirit of the games, and that just can't be.

Bull. Everything about the IOC is political.

And that didn't stop you from allowing such a demonstration in the 2002 Winter Games tied to 9/11, boys and girls, so stop being hypocritical on this one. Jacques "The Poodle" Rogge, I'm talking to you.

"He called me a poodle? Unleash the hounds!"

Be prepared, my friends. A deluge of Games broadcasting are about to descend. Networks across the world are airing thousands of hours across multiple channels. You can't escape it. It'll be everywhere. Games will be played. Medals will be won or lost. Wardrobe malfunctions may occur (synchronised swimming, I'm looking at you)....

At least it's the summer Olympics. That means no sign of that useless git Apolo Ohno around. Note to Apolo: if you're going to get named for a Greek god, get the spelling right.

By the way... anyone else ever feel compelled to rip that git's soul patch off his chin, one hair at a time?

Anyway, the editorial cartoonists of the world are making hay of the Olympic games already in various ways, and no doubt will continue to do so throughout. Here are some of the early selections...

I shall leave you now with some final amusements, and a word of warning. Don't get too attached to an athlete who happens to win big. They could end up retiring years later, undergoing years of plastic surgery and tanning to stave off the ravages of time in an ill conceived play at vanity, and ending up marrying the world's biggest attention hog with the world's most annoying daughters.

Yes, they could become Bruce Jenner.

If you'll excuse me, the Poodle and the ghost of Juan Antonio Samaranch want to have words with me.

If I leave behind a roguish looking corpse with impressions of the Olympics rings embedded on my skull, you know who's responsible.

"I say, this chlorine water isn't doing the bearskin cap any favours, ladies."