Doctor Strangemovies: Or How I Learned To Stop Having Good Taste And Love 3D

Director Congratulates Himself, Incurs Wrath Of Lawman

Toronto (CP) Director James Cameron, who brought such films as The Terminator, Titanic, Avatar, and True Lies to the big screen, made an appearance here yesterday to celebrate himself, being honored in what was billed as James Cameron Day in Toronto. The director, who recently descended to the bottom of the Marianas Trench in a one man sub, was in a jovial mood.

The ceremony got off to a rocky start. Local mayor Rob Ford, whose relationship with the media is difficult at best, spotted two reporters with the Toronto Star. His vendetta with the country’s biggest paper has become legendary, and he stormed out of the venue without greeting the director, ranting about wanting to crush and destroy the Star. “I’ll be damned if I show up at a press conference with a Star reporter hounding me!” he bellowed in between profanity laced screams and shouts before being ushered off by aides. Mayor Ford has become something of an embarrassment to the city, a punchline to a bad joke, and a loudmouthed cretin, in the opinion of this reporter. This latest incident only increases the derision against the city across the country.

It was left to one of Ford’s city council rivals, Councillor Adam Vaughn, to introduce Cameron. The director, whose films have made more money than the gross domestic product of many Third World countries, came out smiling. “Thank you, thank you very much,” he told the assembled reporters and various hangers on at City Hall. “It’s lovely to come back home to Canada every once in awhile. Sure, I don’t come back as often as I should, but when you’re as rich as I am, you can spend time living in places where you’re not freezing your ass off in January. Did I say that out loud?”

After an hour of going on and on, lauding himself about his accomplishments and films, and occasionally speaking in Na’vi, the artificial language he devised for Avatar, Cameron took some questions from reporters. One asked about his future film projects. “Well, I’m kind of up in the air right now. I mean, there’s always a couple of more Avatar films to do. Which, by the way, are really, really, really good ideas. Don’t believe anything being told by anyone who calls my Avatar projects, and I quote... Dances With Smurfs. End quote. I really resent that, and I’ve got people looking for anyone who dares to insult my movie like that. If you insult Avatar, you’re insulting nature!” Cameron paused for a long moment.

“On the other hand, the recent re-release of Titanic and how well it did got me thinking of another sinking. I’ve been seriously thinking of doing a film on the Lusitania. You know, we’re coming up on the centenary of the sinking of that ship, and I have an idea for a commemoration with a movie story. You see, there’s Jack Dawson’s kid brother Charlie Dawson, who’s on his way to Europe to join in the war, and he meets this first class woman on the ship. Her name would have to be Lily, you see. And she’s going back home to England to marry the wrong guy, a cad we’ll name Cade. Of course they fall madly in love at first sight, even though they have next to nothing in common. For some reason, I’m seeing Shia LeBoeuf and Blake Lively in the leads. Hey, nothing can go wrong with them headlining a movie, right? And we’ll have to have Celine Dion come back and do the theme song. I’m thinking we can call the song My Soul Will Never Stop Going On And On. Or something like that. I’ll leave the music production to someone else. After all, I can’t do everything. What do you all think? Wouldn’t that make a splendid film? Especially in 3D. Everything must be in 3D. Imagine a torpedo attack in 3D! Imagine the ship sinking beneath the waves! Imagine the calamity! ”

The reporters looked uncomfortable. In the opinion of this reporter, 3D is a silly and pointless technology. Pointing that out to a director who eats, breathes, and sleeps 3D, however, would be equally pointless.

At this point, Cameron seemed to be looking beyond the crowd. Several of the reporters turned to see where he was looking, and there, at the back of the hall, a man in uniform was walking past. This reporter recognized him as legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, who recently foiled the efforts of Maple Leafs fans to hold the Stanley Cup hostage.

“Hey, I know you!” Cameron called out, stepping down from the podium, striding through the crowd, intercepting Ulrich. ”You’re Lars Ulrich!”

Ulrich sighed and rolled his eyes, his path blocked by Cameron. “And you’re that director who keeps insisting 3D is a good thing for some inexplicable reason. If you don’t mind, I have things to attend to.” Reporters had closed in on the pair by this time, and Ulrich seemed to be looking for a way out. His dislike of reporters is one of the many reasons he’s legendary, and this reporter has seen the Inspector beat the hell out of correspondents with various entertainment programs. In the opinion of this reporter, every last one of them deserved it.

“You and I should talk,” Cameron told Ulrich, oblivious to the Inspector’s preference to leave. “I mean, I’m a big fan, really. Always did love Metallica, after all, and I would love the chance to direct a concert film of the band. We could do it in 3D. In fact, we’d have to do it in 3D. After all, 3D is the greatest thing since sliced bread and Swedish bikini models.”

Ulrich appeared to be agitated. There was a dark, angry look in his eyes. “Metallica?” he asked, his voice low, almost a growl.

“Yes! It’ll be great!” Cameron exclaimed, still oblivious to the hostile glare coming from the Inspector. “You know, I wonder what a Metallica and Celine Dion end credits duet song would sound like for my movie Lusitania. Do you think the rest of the band would be up to giving it a try?”

Ulrich spoke softly, but his tone had a clearly aggressive cadence. He grabbed Cameron by the throat. “For the last time, you self absorbed oaf... I am not that Lars Ulrich! Now leave me alone!”

Ben Mulroney, entertainment journalist, son of a former prime minister, and all around smirking jerk, came forward out of the crowd, and asked, “Lars, are you speaking for the whole band when you refuse to work with James Cameron or not?”

Ulrich answered by decking Mulroney.