A Day In The Life Of Godzilla

7:05 AM. Waking up on floor of Pacific Ocean. Don't really understand reasons why giant lizard monsters can sleep underwater. Should consult with scientists about this. Assuming I'm not stomping on scientists, of course.

7:30 AM. Feeling peckish. Feeding off schools of fish just don't do much for my appetite. Time to go on land and see what's at the buffet today.

8:10 AM. Ran into Mothra while coming ashore. Fought epic battle. Beat stupid giant bug with fire breath. Why does Mothra hate me so much?

8:55 AM. Arrived in Osaka. Time to eat some morning commuters.

9:10 AM. Japanese government on full Godzilla Alert drill. Spending my time eating commuters. Yum yum yum. Would taste even better with barbecue sauce, but sometimes a hungry monster can't pick and choose.

9:25 AM. Engage in battle with Japanese military fighters. Spending time swatting them out of sky. Don't they know who they're messing with?

9:55 AM. Spot Mechagodzilla lumbering on horizon. Not that idiot. How many times do I have to destroy that thing?

10:15 AM. Engaged in brutal battle with Mechagodzilla. Osaka lies in waste at our feet as we trample through. People fleeing. Military retreating. Will destroy Mechagodzilla this time. He has it coming.

10:20 AM. Victory is mine! Mechagodzilla lies in pieces at my feet. Roaring in triumph. Let's see you come back from that, Rusty!

11:55 AM. Closing in on Tokyo. Lunch time.

12:25 PM. Making my way through Tokyo, laying waste, eating at the smorgasbord that is the city. Lots of fleeing food sources. Roaring loudly. Just another Tuesday for Big G.

12:55 PM. Engaging in battle with Rodan, who decided to show up for some reason. Must teach him some manners. Stupid flying dinosaur. Who does he think he is?

1:35 PM. Victory is mine! Have flung Rodan far out to sea. Will celebrate by continuing to trash Tokyo.

3:10 PM. Conference call with attornies. They express dismay that I continue on regular rampages, reminding me that I would be much more sympathetic if I wasn't regularly destroying cities. Or at least destroying cities that have it coming.

3:15 PM. Attornies brief me on progress of lawsuit against Devlin and Emmerich. Still annoyed that those two made a CGI version of me that didn't look anything like me. And that Godzilla is pregnant bit is a disgrace. I was laughed at by that for years by the other monsters. Attornies tell me it will take more time to sort out. Thinking of eating attornies.

3:25 PM. Finishing conference call with attornies. Japanese military returns. Along with the grandson of that meddling professor who managed to take me out the first time. I mean, come on, whoever heard of an oxygen destroyer?  Note to self: wipe out that family line. Every last one of them. They keep interfering in my rampages.

5:10 PM. Have been fighting with Japanese military for awhile. Tanks, fighters, and cannons. Apparently they just don't take a hint. I've had enough of this. Time to set them on fire.

6:55 PM. Have reached Nagano. Time to rampage and destroy some more. Feeling hungry.

7:20 PM. Rats. That big ape King Kong just showed up. How many times today am I going to be fighting someone?

7:25 PM. Involved in brutal battle against Kong. He beats his chest and roars. I roar louder. I also remind him that his little human girlfriend didn't want him. That pisses him off. Just as I expected.

7:55 PM. Victory is mine! I have blasted King Kong with fire and sent him running for the hills. Roaring in triumph! Stupid ape!

10:55 PM. Home again, deep in depths of ocean. Get call from attornies. They express concern that sooner or later the UN is going to come after me. Attornies advise me to go trash Syria as goodwill gesture, but only the government there. Would look good for public relations. When did I get stuck with attornies and have to worry about public relations?