Walk The Plank, Ye High And Mighty Muckety Mucks, And Let An Honest Pirate Run For Office

"Okay, look, let's just tell some kind of aw shucks, folksy kind of downhome spin story about me cutting down a cherry tree and not being able to tell a lie about it. People will eat that up come election day. They'll be calling me the father of their country." ~ George Washington, 1788

"Can you trust Bob Ellis? This is the same man who raised your taxes last year by a whopping .0000008 %. If he does that, what else will he do? Eat your children alive???? Vote Hannibal Lecter for mayor." ~ from the Hannibal Lecter election campaign

And so it draws on and on. We're still more then a year away from the American elections, and the Republicans continue the endless process of nominating a leader to run against the President. Come on, people! How hard could this possibly be? Do we have to have all of you in a gladiator pit, and the winner gets the nomination?

Come to think of it, that would be a really, really good idea.

 

On the one hand, we've got Rick Perry, the Texan governor who makes Dubya look like a genius and who displays an uncanny knack for wandering off in all directions during a debate and putting people to sleep...

I've pretty much already established that Governor Rick has no business running for higher office, and that the state of Texas must be demoted post haste for bringing Dubya to the Presidency in the first place....

Governor Rick, of course, is in competition with Mitt Romney, aka Mr. Mittens (come on, if this guy wins the Presidency, you will be thinking of him as President Mittens. Admit it) for the nomination.

We can't count the Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann out yet either. As much as we'd like to.

And so in the midst of all this, with a field of candidates who have been less then inspiring, that Republican outsiders have seriously been looking at New Jersey governor Chris Christie to run for the nomination. This despite his many "no, no, I'm not interested, I'm happy where I am, why won't you people stop bothering me, honey get my gun" statements....

The party insiders thought that if they asked enough, the big guy might just decide to step into the ring and run. Apparently they're deaf, because no matter how many times he said no....

Finally, Governor Christie gave an unequivocal no. Rumor has it he might well have threatened to govern like a Democrat if they didn't leave him alone. It's just as well. How could anyone ever take a guy whose first name sounds so much like his last name seriously? I mean, if his parents were so desperate to give him a C name... was Curtis really out of the question?

And so with Governor Christie giving the notion the finger, the Republicans are back to the Usual Suspects... none of whom are looking splendid.

I conclude by suggesting a different choice for the job. A man who's lived in exile in Europe these many years, coming back on occasion to shoot a film. A man who's fairly popular, particularly for his signature role. Yes, I would suggest Johnny Depp run for President.

As a condition of his running for Presidency as an independent, he would have to serve the entire term in character, of course.

"Avast, ye scabberous dogs! All hands on deck! Congress is off the port bow!"