E Is For Escape

Muppet Supervillain Escapes Custody

A United States Marshals Service plane went down across the border in Canada yesterday, in the Alberta foothills, while transporting prisoners to supermax custody in Montana. Marshals in Washington confirmed that the plane went down due to poor weather, and while somewhat damaged, the crash was not catastrophic. Though almost all of the prisoners were quickly retained in custody by the marshals on board, one escaped, and is now at large.

The RCMP have been brought in and taken charge. While the prisoners are being prepared for their return across the border, the Mounties are occupied with the matter of the escaped convict. Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue, the convicted muppet murderer, has managed to elude capture, and is now somewhere in the wild forests of the Rocky Mountain foothills.

"We consider this muppet extremely dangerous," RCMP Constable Lavigne told a gathering of reporters at a nearby detachment. "Johnson had Elmo murdered, and set up Grover to take the fall. He demonstrates a psychopathic hatred of Grover, a malicious nature, and a vindictive streak. We urge all members of the public not to approach him, but to call police at the first sighting."

Pictures of the balding, mustached blue muppet were passed around, including one with tattoos recently added to the muppet's hands. "He's added Die Grover Die to both of his hands. He really has a hate-on for Grover," Lavigne explained. "Henceforth, Grover has been taken into protective custody, along with his girlfriend. We've also called in a man with experience on the case. Inspector Lars Ulrich is heading up the search for Johnson."

Ulrich himself appeared before the reporters, glaring at all of them. "Are one of you nitwits going to ask me about Metallica?" he asked with contempt in his voice. His dislike for reporters is well known among members of the Fourth Estate.

"No sir," came a reply from the CBC correspondant. "There's no one here from an entertainment news outlet. Yet."

"Good," Ulrich said more pleasantly. "I mean, really, how stupid are those guys anyway? I'm not that Lars Ulrich. Look, this muppet's the most dangerous muppet I've ever come across. We will hunt him down to the ends of the earth. Or at least until he makes it across the border."

"Do you feel you owe that to Elmo?" a reporter with the Victoria Times Colonist asked.

"Hell, no," Ulrich said. "That little red menace with that demonic cackling? Have you heard that cackling? I have, and it's like something from the seventh circle of hell."

The search is now underway. Somewhere out there, a crazed killer muppet is on the run. Winter is coming. And he's got the Mounties hunting for him. Bets are now being taken on how long it'll be before he's caught.