Heaven & Hell: Hail To The Chiefs

The author, William Kendall, is seated with the fictional President of the United States and the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Several Secret Service agents and British agents are present as well.

Me: Sorry about the above, gentlemen, that's the only one I could find at short notice.

PM: Quite all right, old chap. Capital joke, by the way.

President: Maybe more suited for one of my predecessors though.

Me: Well, I won't keep you long. I know you're busy, after all.

President: When am I not busy? I've got a cabinet meeting later.

PM: And I have to meet with the Queen.

Me: Well, gentlemen, let's get down to it.

PM: Of course. Whenever you're ready.

Me: I'll start by asking how you two feel about the book so far.

PM: Well, you're writing me quite well. In fact, complimentary.

President: Me too. I'm wondering, why aren't you just calling us by name?

Me: You mean why not just call you President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron?

PM: It would be nice to have a proper name.

President: Unless I'm not supposed to be him?

PM: Look, old chap, that's getting a bit existential.

President: What do you expect? We're characters in his head.

Me: I decided to go that way because I didn't really want to tie my narrative to a specific time. It's up to the reader to decide if you're the current President and PM or just a fictional version.

President: Oh, so I'm doomed to remain just a nameless President?

Prime Minister: And I don't even get a scene with the wife and kids?

Me: Guys! Guys! Mr. President, Mr. Prime Minister, look, there's only so many characters I can write.

President: Point taken. We have it on good authority that you're planning on giving the Iranian President a cameo when this Very Bad Thing happens.

Me: Well, yes, I'm kind of going for international reaction once the crisis hits...

PM: In fact, we have it on good authority that you intend to use Iran again in the future for your writings.

Me: How in the world could you know that?

PM: Inside intelligence coming from your side of the Fourth Wall.

President: Someone named Karla doesn't much like what you did to her Grover.

Me: Write one little Grover as a killer blog series and you never hear the end of it.

President: In fact, we hear that you're planning on having a different President in a book down the line. Why can't I stay in power? Come on, I promise not to start any wars, or choke on pretzels, or get impeached, or fumble my way through press conferences. I'm not Dubya or Bubba Clinton, you know. I mean, I actually understand the dignity of the office.

Me: Sorry, Mr. President, but the other fellow I've got in mind has a family history that'll be essential for plotlines in Book Four.

President: Damn. Note to self: start a war with Canada.

Me: Sorry, what was that?

President: I didn't say anything.

Me: Let's wrap this one up, gentlemen.

President: Very well. I have a war to plan.

PM: And the Queen's no doubt ready to chat. I really can't keep her waiting, I'll have you know.

Me: Say hi to her for me. Gentlemen, how are you going to feel when you're in the midst of the crisis?

President: How should we know? You haven't written it yet.

PM: Indeed, this Very Bad Thing had better happen soon.

President: Your readers are getting anxious about it.

PM: As to how we'll feel, well, it'll be my first big crisis.

President: I've been coping with a few since I took office.

PM: Oh, yes, that rotten broadcaster with the glasses.

President: And the not so bright former governor.

PM: Mr. Kendall, are you sure whether or not he's President Obama?

President: I sometimes feel like President Obama. Yes we can!

PM: I have a question for you. Why haven't you written in your own PM?

Me: Because I can't stand the guy.

President: Neither can I.

PM: Me neither.

Me: Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister, Mr. President. Maybe we can do this again when the book is done.

President: That's assuming he and I survive to the end of the book. We've read other conversations.

Me: Fellows, I can assure you that at least you two will survive to see the end of the book.

PM: How kind of you, Mr. Kendall. Thank you!

President: Why not let me win reelection then?

Me: Sorry, guys, we're out of time here.

President: Damn.