A Night In The Life Of A Dog

Some business to see to before carrying on with nighttime blogs for our woof-woof and puddy tat. Head on over and take a look at the cover for Norma's work in progress. 

Second, over at Writers of Mass Distraction, we have an update blog about Authors For Oklahoma. Check that out, get into the links, and start seriously looking around. It's a good cause, and we're still looking for donations for the Red Cross til Friday.

Third, have a peek at Kimberly's blog The Ether Of My Imagination, where I answered eleven questions. Some of those more serious than others, mind you...

And finally, take a look at our joint blog, where we have an image blog playing around with Alice In Wonderland.

And now, back to it... for a very long night for the poor doggie....

9:27 PM.  Still waiting for that obnoxious little idiot Shia LaDoofus to buy the farm. Human, can we have zombies attack him by request, or do movies not work that way?

We might be out of luck. He doesn't strike me as the sort of person who zombies would be interested in. No brains in that head, if you ask me.

9:40 PM. Dabney Coleman turns up out of nowhere and warns our survivors that Memphis has been overrun by zombie Elvis impersonators. You mean Elvis impersonators weren't already zombies?

9:45 PM. Look out behind you, Dabney Coleman! Zombie Elvis is lunging directly at you!

9:46 PM. Yuck! And I thought dogs were messy eaters. There goes Dabney Coleman....

As expected, Shia LaDoofus is screaming like a terrified three year old girl. Human, why hasn't he died yet?

10:00 PM. Finally! The Doofus has been separated from everyone else, with no place to run, and zombies closing in.

Get him! Get the little twit!

10:01 PM. No matter how many times you plead, they're not listening to you, LaDoofus. All they want is to tear you from limb to limb and... ooo! Look at them go!

10:02 PM. Finally! Shia LaDoofus is being torn to pieces and devoured by zombies. It only took half the movie, too...

10:10 PM. Look, people, you really do need to keep moving. Hordes of zombies are still out there, and stopping to argue among yourselves is not a good idea at this point in titme. 

10:17 PM. Oh no! Zombies have Ving Rhames surrounded! Somebody help Ving!!!

Wait a minute, they can't cut to commercial now!

10:20 PM. Oh, no!!! No!! The zombies are tearing Ving apart! This isn't right! This isn't fair! Ving Rhames is supposed to survive zombie movies!

10:22 PM. They're still feasting on pieces of Ving. 

Human, did you see what they did???

10:35 PM. John Hawkes, Kirsten Dunst, and Jon Voight are busy setting a trap for the zombies. This might have come in handier if you'd thought of that before they slaughtered Ving Rhames!!

Oh, the humanity!

10:40 PM. Jon Voight and Kirsten Dunst trying to lure zombies to trap. Something goes wrong. Jon Voight trips over his shoelaces. Run, Jon Voight! Don't look back! This is worse than Deliverance!

Oh no, they've got him!

10:41 PM. Jon Voight's screaming as he goes down. Blames the liberals for the zombie apocalypse. That's odd... I wonder if he ad libbed that line.

10:42 PM. Kirsten Dunst makes it back to the big trap just in time, a horde of lurching zombies at her heels. John Hawkes sets off a massive Claymore mine that blasts them all into oblivion.

Figures the paranoid isolationist could save the proverbial day....

10:46 PM. Wait a minute, we've still got time before the movie ends.... unless what's left is all aftermath stuff? Human, do they tend to stretch out endings in these movies?

10:48 PM. Oh no! Shia LaDoofus is back, and he's a zombie! Boy, there's not much left of him, and he sounds as stupid as ever...

10:50 PM. John Hawkes and Kirsten Dunst run from zombie LaDoofus.... where's a good shotgun when you need it? Or an axe? Or a Gatling gun?

10:54 PM. Success! They've found a chainsaw!

Zombie LaDoofus doesn't look so tough now!

10:56 PM. Off with his head! Take that, Zombie LaDoofus!

10:58 PM. Oh, not a twist ending... let me see if I have this right... up over the hill, our survivors see vast hordes of zombies? The zombies are everywhere?

There's no real escape from this world of zombies?

And why do we need to have a zombie Elvis impersonator singing I Can't Help Eating His Brains With You over the credits?

Wait a minute... are we sure that's an impersonator?

11:35 PM. I don't know how you can be so relaxed, human.... I'm rather unsettled by that movie.

Human? Where are you going? You're not going to leave me down here all alone, are you?

Human?

12:55 AM. Utterly unable to sleep. Haunted by visions of Ving Rhames getting torn apart by zombie hordes. 

I find myself hearing strange noises. It's just my imagination, right?

Right?    

2:25 AM. Still awake. Feeling nervous. I could swear I hear tapping at the back door.

And someone moaning about brains.

4:40 AM. I'm never going to get any sleep now. Visions of  Jon Voight screaming his last lines are plaguing me. 

I swear, if the human ever watches a zombie movie again, I'm pulling the plug out of the wall.

I just hope I don't get electrocuted doing it.

5:55 AM. Dawn arriving. So tired. Can't sleep. Zombies will get me.

I'm never watching a zombie movie again. If I want to be scared, Old Yeller is scary enough....

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:20 AM. Waking up as the staff passes through the living room. She's getting ready to go off to that "work" place. Staff, you really ought to spend your every waking hour looking after my wants and needs. 

7:25 AM. Sauntering into kitchen. Meow at the staff to get her attention. Breakfast would be ideal, staff, and for the sixth time this week, let's refrain from the field rations routine, shall we?

7:27 AM. The staff pours me a bowl of field rations. I sigh in utter dismay.

7:29 AM. After some reluctance and glaring at the staff, I finally start eating some of the field rations.

7:31 AM. The staff lets me out the door. Now, staff, I know you have that work place to go off to, so it would be preferable to me if you'd just leave the door open so I can come and go as I please.

7:40 AM. Sniffing at things as I wander at will. The life of a cat is an infinitely complex world of.... ooo! Dragonfly!

7:42 AM. Despite my attempts, the dragonfly has evaded me. How on earth do those things fly that well?

8:20 AM. Wandering through the fields. The quiet of the morning is shattered by the distant sound of that stupid dog from down the road.

If that dog gets anywhere near me today, the claws come out, and I'm in super-freak-kitty mode.

8:50 AM. I can still hear that mutt off in the distance, barking like the insane asylum patient he ought to be. At least he's not coming this way.

9:06 AM. The barking is interrupted by a loud yelp and whining. Hmmm, I wonder if that dog just got himself into trouble?

If he did.... good!

9:30 AM. Returning home. The car is not present. And the door is closed. 

Staff, what did I tell you about leaving the door open? Now I'm stuck out here all day.

9:52 AM. Hmmm, I could go on over to Mrs. McIntyre and con her into giving me shelter for a few hours... not to mention some treats.

10:05 AM. Arrival at the McIntyre home. Meowing at the window.

10:07 AM. Mrs. McIntyre cheerfully greets me and lets me in. She's good people. For a human.

12:35 PM. Waking up from nap in the living room at the McIntyre home. Meowing at Mrs. McIntyre. We carry on a conversation. A shame she doesn't speak cat, because she'd know I was asking her to give tips to my staff on better treatment of me.

Would there be anything by chance for lunch?

12:40 PM. Mrs. McIntyre and I have lunch. She's having soup, of all things. No thanks, I don't think I quite understand the appeal of carrot soup, but whatever floats your boat. I do appreciate the bowl of milk and the sausages you've made for me. You really ought to have a word with my staff. She needs to learn a few things about service. Particularly in the breakfast department.

2:35 PM. Well, perhaps it's time to go home. It'll still be awhile before the staff returns home, but one cannot abuse the hospitality one receives, after all.

It's been a pleasure, Mrs. McIntyre. 

3:10 PM. Nearing home. I happen to cross paths with a porcupine. I know full well to not approach one of those. I greet him with most cordial tones. He informs me he had a run in with a dog this morning. I inquire as  to the description. Sure enough, it was that stupid dog from down the road.

The porcupine informs me the dog ran off yelping after getting a few quills in the snout.

Good, very good indeed.

5:25 PM. Waiting at front door when the staff finally comes home. I give her a glare. You'd better make up for it with some spoils for dinner, staff. And I'd better not let you smell my breath. I've still got the taste of Hungarian sausage from lunch with Mrs. McIntyre..

6:35 PM. The staff gives me a plate of what she's having. Quiche, with plenty of beef and cheese. Well, staff, I do appreciate the effort you make into dinner. Now if we could just get you to do the same with breakfast.

9:00 PM. The staff and I sit down to watch television. I suggest she switch over to the Discovery Channel for a special on mountain lions. Instead she chooses one of those specialty channels. Something called Sunset Of The Dead.

What kind of movie could possibly involve Ving Rhames, Kirsten Dunst, John Hawkes, Jon Voight, and that insufferable nitwit Shia LaBoeuf?

9:10 PM.  Oh, I get it. It's one of those zombie movies. Deranged walking dead types tearing apart the living for food. 

Staff, you're really going to watch something like this at this time of night? Do you realize what this'll do to your sleep cycle?

9:12 PM. Shia LaBoeuf is such an idiot. Why does anyone give him a part? There's no depth to him at all. He just looks perpetually confused.

Probably because he is perpetually confused.

I hope he dies in a horrible way.

9:20 PM. Oh, there's John Hawkes. Kind of crazy in this film, but that's the kind of character who survives a zombie film. That and Ving Rhames, who, for a human, is a pretty tough customer. Yes, those two are going to get out of this, no problem. Mark my words.

9:25 PM. Okay, seriously, we haven't seen LaDoofus bite the bullet yet. Just some extras, at a distance.

When do we get to his well deserved death, staff?

To Be Continued....