Director Announces New Spin On Old Story; Reporters Sigh In Dismay, Jack and Rose Fans Outraged
Los Angeles (AP) It is a truth universally acknowledged that an egomaniac director is in want of attention. So is the case once again this week when reporters were called to the production facilities of Digital Domain, one of the perpetual playgrounds of the director behind explosion prone spectacles like Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and the Transformers franchise.
The one and only legend in his own mind, Michael Bay.
This reporter was sent to be part of the party (editor: yeah, sorry, but the readers love to read your gripes), which included some real reporters and a horde of entertainment reporters. The latter had not one brain cell circulating among them as they gathered in an auditorium at Digital Domain. A podium had been set up on stage, with a large standing mirror beside it. The entertainment reporters were buzzing. A spokeswoman came out on stage, calling for everyone's attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let me present the greatest cinematic genius of our time, Mr. Michael Bay!!!!"
The entertainment reporters broke out into rapturous applause. The real reporters sighed and shook their heads. Out onto the stage strode Michael Bay, looking his usual self. The three days of stubble. The dishevelled hair. The casual look. He grinned like an idiot- his default setting- and walked towards the podium. He paused, winked at his reflection, and smiled some more (editor: he really is full of himself).
Finally he faced the audience. "Hi there! Great to see you. I know you're all wondering what I've called you here for, so let's not waste any time. I've been meaning to get back and do something by the way of historical drama. With explosions. So I am here to announce my next blockbuster film, which we're calling Curse Of The Titanic!"
A gasp went up from the real reporters, but was drowned out by the entertainment reporters. First, Titanic had been pretty much definitively done by director James Cameron, winning Oscars and unleashing a torrent of memes, particularly as time has gone on and one of its stars has shown an inability to date his own age (editor: Leonardo DiCaprio, we're looking at you). Second, who would entrust Michael Bay with the subject.
Bay carried on. "Now I know what you're thinking. This has been done before, and that's true. Which is why I'm not going to have the sinking of the ship be the heart and soul of this story. I'm going to feature it, yes, but early on, because that's not the story I want to tell."
This reporter checked his watch, wondering how long this nonsense might take. Bay continued. "No, it's been done. What I want to play around with is the idea of... what if the ship sank for other reasons? And what if the one person who should have stayed on board, if only for the sake of his own reputation, would be forever haunted. By the real reason for the sinking."
"What on earth is your angle?" this reporter asked (editor: is he on drugs?).
"My angle is simple. That iceberg was sent to collide with the ship. Sent by a ship that was cursed to sail the seas until the end of time. A ship we all know as the Flying Dutchman."
The legend is an old one, a ghost story set at sea involving a cursed crew doomed to sail the seas forever. But of all the stories about Titanic, nowhere is there mention of a ghostly ship.
"Are you out of your mind?" another reporter asked.
Bay shook his head. "No, why do people keep saying that? Now look, all I'm saying is that maybe, just maybe, a ship that was only seen by one person sent that iceberg into a collision course. And that one person spent the rest of his life haunted. So, ladies and gentlemen, playing my protagonist, Mr. Bruce Ismay, is the one and only Nicolas Cage!"
Cage came out on stage, looking plastered, carrying a half empty bottle of Scotch. "Hey there!" he called out, staggering his way over join Bay.
"Your protagonist is Bruce Ismay? The chairman of White Star? Forever after considered a coward for getting off Titanic? That Bruce Ismay?" this reporter challenged.
"Yes, but this is what happens to him afterwards," Bay reasoned. "This is the story of the man who glimpses the Dutchman, realizes that somehow it caused the sinking, and kind of loses his senses and goes into a lifeboat to escape. And spends the rest of his life haunted by that choice. Literally. Because did I mention this is also a horror movie?" This reporter sighed (editor: horror movie is being subjected to this nonsense).
Bay continued on. "And our boy Bruce is haunted. He spends the years after Titanic trying to rationalize one dumb decision without saying why he made that decision, being seen as a coward... and literally being haunted by that night. Because whether it's when he's asleep or when he's awake, he's not only haunted by the ghosts of the Titanic, he's also haunted by images of that cursed sailing ship. Until he has to come to terms with it once and for all. Which will, of course, involve explosions."
"What is it with you and explosions?" another reporter asked. "Is it some kind of kink for you?"
"Yes, but that's not important," Bay stated. "What is important is that people love my films, they love the story of the Titanic, they love ghost stories, and they're going to love this film. Coming soon to a theatre near you! As soon as I get all the other stuff I'm working on done. Because I've got a lot on my plate. Bye!"
With that, he departed, to the applause of the entertainment reporters, and to middle fingers from the real reporters (editor: he is an insufferable egomaniac). This reporter can't agree more with that.
