Impatience Of An Internet Scammer

No matter how many times we ridicule them, ignore them, refuse to publish their spam comments, they never give up. Of course it's the spammers and the scammers, desperate for attention and desperate to pawn their crap in our blogs or in our email. For the last couple of weeks I've been getting one bit of repeat spam in my comments section that never sees the light of day, as I don't approve the comments. Only the name changes (and it's not the sort of name you'd expect for someone living in Hanoi, because it's not as if Brandie, Lane, or Kira are actually living there). It's an identical comment, right down to the url line, for a review of a gynecological clinic in Hanoi. Oh, yes, that's the sort of comment I want in my posts. 

And then there's the always reliable internet scammers, who continue to send me endless amounts of emails such as the following. 

Dear Valued Beneficiary (Last reminder).

On behalf of the World Bank, the United Nations (UN), the United States

Treasury Department, The International Criminal Police Organization,

ICPO or INTERPOL, Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Central

Intelligence Agency (CIA), it has been identified that you were in

several contacts with people in various EU Countries, United States of

America, United Kingdom-London, Malaysia, entire Africa Region,

the entire Asia Countries and the entire Middle East without you knowing

their operating locations.

The World Bank has pledged that all scam reconciliation payment should

be made by a reputable bank via any chosen/preferred payment method.

After a judicial review by the World Bank and the G20 Summit. The United

Nations have carried out a judicial due diligence and we hereby confirm

that these impostors operates with false promises by the form of fake

diplomatic services, fake online banking system, fake lawyers, fake

intimate online dating love and fake security firms/companies.

Consequently, the UN has by virtue of this constitutional power and

authority wish to inform you that the sum of (One Million, Five Hundred

Thousand United State Dollars Only) will be paid to you with the view of

making sure that you receive this fund, via a scam compensation

agreement once we ascertain your bonafide status that you have lost

money through any means mentioned above.

For effective compensation processing, we want you to reconfirm the

following information ASAP:-

1) Your full names.

2) Your telephone and fax numbers.

3) Your secured address for the delivery of your Visa ATM Debit Card.

Once we receive information above, we shall advise you accordingly.

We await your urgent attention.

JOHN GLENNON,

PAYMENT COORDINATOR.

Isn't that nice? A last reminder. And I'm a valued beneficiary. No, wait, let's get that right. A "Valued Beneficiary". Because it just wouldn't be an internet scammer if they weren't capitalizing words that don't need to be capitalized. 

Our friend says that all these agencies, including the CIA (can we have the Agency send out the equivalent of Tom Clancy's John Clark to deal with these internet scammers? I'd be ever so happy) say that I've been identified as being in contact with people in "various EU countries, United States of America, United Kingdom-London, Malaysia, entire Africa Region, the entire Asia Countries and the entire Middle East without you knowing their operating locations."

And that's nice too. Apparently I've been in communication with not only people from Malaysia and the entire Middle East, but the entire Asia Countries as well. As if Malaysia and the Middle East aren't part of Asia. And seriously? Asia Countries? Africa Region? Who the hell talks like that? Internet scammers, that's who. People whose command of the English language is shaky at best and so come across sounding like Google translate screwing up big time. 

He uses the standard big money as bait concept, writing it out in letters as opposed to numbers (some of these nitwits do both). And somehow, despite wanting to come across as a high powered official (with money to just hand out), this dumbass can't even write United States right.

He chatters about fake lawyers, fake diplomats, fake online banking, fake online dating, fake security companies... but the only fake thing here is this scammer. Throwing out the same old story about millions up for grabs for people who have been scammed by internet scammers. All handed over to a VISA ATM debit card. Isn't that nice?

Well, first off, Dumbass MacBloodyPrick, I haven't been scammed by internet scammers. Second, unlike the rube somewhere on that list of half a million email addresses you sent this to, I know your tactics and your games. Third, and this is for the record: I disapprove of your continued existence. Cease wasting oxygen at once. No, not in ten minutes. At once. 

I know full well that none of this will dawn on you. In fact I know that posts like this will inevitably draw your attention and that spammers and scammers will circle around like the vultures they are, looking for an opportunity.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I take that back.

I've insulted vultures, who have a valuable purpose in life, by comparing you to them.

My apologies, vultures. You're cool. And hey, maybe you can do us all a favour and start feasting on some of these internet scammers.

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the point of view of the cat. She demands attention and obedience. It is unwise to cross her.

7:03 AM. Waking up at home. I dreamed of breaking into a catnip storage warehouse and having my way with the contents.

7:08 AM. Staring out at the vastness of my domain from the back of the living room couches. The flying lunches are still freeloading off the staff at those bird feeders. I wonder when the staff’s going to put those away. Not while we’ve still got snow on the ground. And maybe not for a month afterwards.

7:12 AM. As I have not yet heard the staff moving around upstairs, I believe it’s time for me to go on up there and prevent her from hitting the snooze button again. 

7:13 AM. Having had crossed the threshold into the staff’s bedroom, I find that she’s still under the covers. This calls for, to use a phrase, my singing the song of my people.

7:14 AM. My howling and meowing has succeeded in having the staff wake up and get out of bed. Now then, staff, hurry up, because breakfast is waiting to be made.

7:23 AM. Patiently waiting on the staff to get downstairs and see to my breakfast. Of course my patience has its limits. 

7:30 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. I begin to meow my instructions for the morning repast. Now then, staff, as I’ve told you on multiple occasions, I would like the optimum dining experience of eating my meat off a slightly chilled plate. So it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if you came down a half hour earlier and put one in the fridge. It would prevent you from falling asleep again, which is a benefit for you. But that’s beside the point, because it’s too late to do so today. A bowl of milk is also called for. And so too is the absence of a bowl of field rations. I’ve explained to you on several occasions that I have no use at all for field rations, but you persist in putting them down.

7:32 AM. Supervising the staff while she gets my breakfast ready. No, staff, I am not high maintenance. I have no idea why you keep saying that to me. I just enjoy having things just so. There’s a difference.

7:33 AM. The staff has put my breakfast down. To my satisfaction a plate of tuna and a bowl of milk are side by side. To my continued dismay she’s also put down a bowl of field rations.

7:35 AM. Finished my breakfast, licking my lips. I shall avoid the field rations.

7:43 AM. Bidding farewell to the staff as she heads out the door for her car. Farewell, staff. Don’t forget to pick up milk on the way home from work. Where would you be if you didn’t have me telling you what to do?

7:51 AM. Watching a robin flit about on the lawn. First one of the year. Well, you’ll have to put up with melting snow for a few days. Or two or three weeks. On a side note, that old expression about the early bird catching the worm. It makes no sense. Who wants a yucky worm?

8:12 AM. Getting some time in on an upstairs windowsill. Movement on the property catches my attention. It’s that stupid dog from down the road, walking onto my property. And looking thoroughly muddy. He must have found quite the mud puddle. This does not please me one bit.

8:13 AM. Cursing out the foul mutt with every choice bad word known to cats and humans and everything else on the planet. Get lost, dog! You’re trespassing on my property!

8:14 AM. My stream of expletives continues as I cast derision and scorn on the idiot hound and his parentage. Are you really this dumb, or is it a spring thing that your brain goes flying out the window?

8:15 AM. The irritating pooch finally decides to leave. I meow out a few final warnings and get off the windowsill. That’s going to have me in a foul mood for the rest of the day if you ask me, and you are asking me.

9:09 AM. I know I’ve only been awake for two hours, but I do believe that a nap is a good idea. 

11:31 AM. Waking up from my nap. Taking a big stretch. Feeling hungry.

11:33 AM. After much reluctance and inner debate, I have taken to eating the field rations. After all, it’s the only food still out and about.

1:03 PM. Watching the Weather Network. More snow might be in the forecast. Well, spring does take its time getting here, but that’s to be expected. First of all, this is Canada. Second, who on earth relies on an easily irritated rodent for their seasonal prognostications?

1:32 PM. Angry barking from down the road. A look at the clock suggests that it’s time for the mailman on his rounds. If that annoying dog understood that the guy’s just doing his job, we could have some peace and quiet around here.

4:18 PM. Waking up from another nap. Slept well. Dreamed I was crowned Empress Of All Realities. As it should be.

5:34 PM. Greeting the staff as she arrives. So tell me, staff, did you remember the milk?

6:28 PM. Dinner with the staff. She’s cut up some lamb into nice kitty cat bite sized pieces for me. I’ll never understand why she insists on having hers with broccoli, but then human beings are really strange if you ask me, and you are asking me.

8:19 PM. Lying in the living room, pondering the meaning of life. What if all of existence started with a cat coughing up a hairball?

11:27 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well then, staff, good night. But keep the door open. In case I need to walk all over you at four thirty in the morning.

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Once again it is time for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog gets first say in everything, because he is so easily distracted.

7:06 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of chasing rabbits.

7:09 AM. A look outside shows that more of the snow seems to be going. Well, spring was inevitable, and after all, melting snow means plenty of spots for a good dog like me to splash around in and all that. Because I am a good dog. A very good dog.

7:12 AM. Waiting on the human to come downstairs. So the first day of spring passed us by earlier in the week. Of course that doesn’t count out any additional snow. Because that can still be happening in April. But the days are longer, the birds are making more noise, and you can hear the drip-drip-drip of snow melt all the time. I’m kind of anxious to get out there around it all, but at the same time, my stomach wins out and I know that breakfast is more important. I’d help myself to it, but I lack the opposable thumbs to open doors.

7:19 AM. Wagging my tail furiously as the human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn’t it? Say, how about you and I get started on seeing to my breakfast? And by you and I, of course I mean you.

7:21 AM. Watching the human as she pours a big bowl of kibbles for me. Oh boy oh boy oh boy…

7:22 AM. Licking my chops after I’ve finished devouring my breakfast. Boy, that was good!

7:24 AM. Making inquiries with the human as to if she’ll let me out for a run. After all, I have a lot of energy to burn off right about now after that filling breakfast.

7:25 AM. Out the door and on my way. See you later, human!

7:31 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off. Happy, happy, happy, happy!

7:43 AM. Pausing in the woods. I have come across what can be best described as… the mother of all mud puddles.

Do I dare jump in?

7:45 AM. Splashing about in the mud, as pleased as I can be. Oh, I know, the human might be annoyed when I turn up all caked with mud, but I’ll cross that road when I come to it. Right now all that matters is rolling around in the mud and being as happy as I can possibly be.

7:53 AM. Giving myself a good shake after I’ve gotten out of the mud puddle. With any luck I can sneak into the house before the human realizes I’m muddy. Then I can shake myself off again.

8:10 AM. Passing by the property where that cranky cat lives. I think I should stop in and say hello. Maybe shake myself off near one of the windows.

8:12 AM. Walking along the property. Dodging piles of snow. Looking up at the house. Say, there’s that cranky cat in one of the windows now. And she doesn’t seem impressed to see me. Hello, cat! Fine day, isn’t it?

8:14 AM. The cat seems quite put out and is busy casting my character into disrepute. Or something like that. I’m not fluent in cat, but she’s hissing a lot, and if I’m not mistaken, casting my good dog status into a bad light. I don’t know why, I really don’t. 

8:15 AM. The cat gives me the middle finger. I sigh and turn around to leave. 

Fine. 

Be that way.

8:28 AM. Chasing a squirrel in the woods, but he gets up a tree. Damn it, the one place I can’t follow. Well, not the only one place. I wouldn’t follow him if he ran into a vet’s office either.

8:43 AM. Returning home. Barking to alert the human that I have returned.

8:44 AM. My attempt to return inside has been thwarted by the human, who sees how muddy my fur is.

8:47 AM. The human is subjecting me to a bath with the garden hose, which is quite cold still this time of year. Come on, human! I’ve already been in the water. Muddy water, but water nonetheless. If you’d just let me in, I could have dried up natural over a nap and shaken the dry mud off later on.

8:51 AM. The human puts me through the trials of the Towel of Torment.  At least I’ve earned my pending nap.

12:04 PM. Lunch time. The human is kind enough to give me a ham and cheese sandwich. Yum yum yum!

1:32 PM. Giving the mailman a vicious barking at when he dares to turn up at our house and drop off mail. He drives away after putting it in the box. I keep barking. Keep driving, you bastard! You hear me? Keep driving!

6:29 PM. Dinner with the human. While she insists on having her meat with Brussels sprouts- yech!- the human has been kind enough to give me a plate of stewing beef.

8:38 PM. Lying on my back in the living room, pondering the great mysteries. Instead of the Big Bang, is it possible the universe started as the Big Mud Puddle?

11:40 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sleep well. I’ll stay on guard down here just in case any squirrels turn up on the outside windowsills in the middle of the night. In which case I shall deliver the most fierce barking of all time.