Have a peek over at my photoblog by clicking at the right, since the first day of the month is a theme day for City Daily Photo, and I've got my take on the theme of Shelter.
A few days back, Governor Rick Perry (R-Texas/ Mordor) stepped out of the race for the Republican nomination. This might explain the reason why, in a speech the Governor really ought to make (just to see the looks on everyone's faces, come on, Rick). Incidentally, I'm going to have to give Texas a wide berth after this one.
“Thanks for that big ol’ Texas greetin’, folks. Feels like
I’m comin’ home, by tarnation, seein’ so many Lone Star State people out here
tonight. Lots of guns and Stetsons and boots and guns and did I mention the
guns? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwww!!!!!
Okay, so it didn’t work out. I ran again for the nomination,
and, well... this time it didn’t work again.
Last time out the party thought runnin’ with a guy named Mitt would be a good
idea. And we all know how that worked
out. Oh, and there’s the whole problem with me puttin’ my foot in my mouth and
not knowing a third thing to think about in an answer. Hey, it happens to all
of us. Brain ice... no, wait, brain freeze. It happens. Just happened to me at
the worst possible time in a debate, but we can’t change the past now, can we?
So no, it didn’t work out that time.
This time? Well, if we thought last time was a circus, this
was all the more so. Instead of Jeb and Marco and Santorum- by the way, on the
record, Santorum’s a pompous sidewindin’ jerk- we got a loudmouth blowhard- no, not Christie, though that bastard is also a
blowhard. No, I’m talkin’ ‘bout Trump, partner. Yeah, that orange New York loud talkin’ snake turned all this into a real circus.
Didn’t help that we already had a crowded field. Jeb and
Marco and Ted and Santorum and the Huck and that Carson guy and Carly Fiorina
and Christie and Walker and the rest of us. And then the other clowns in the
field- Sarah and Michele comin’ outta nowhere with this whole double team goin’
for the nomination, and Hulk Hogan throwin’ his bandanna in the ring and
cripplin’ Trump. Nobody was payin’ me the slightest bit of attention, no sir.
Three months I went with not so much as a question from a reporter. Hell,
could’ve been worse. Bobby Jindal announced he was runnin’ and then disappeared
into some quicksand pit, or got eaten by coyotes, or maybe he got caught in
that there Bermuda triangle.
Well, there ain’t no room in that circle for a Texas
maverick like good ol’ Rick Perry, no sir. Turns out the party head honchos think a circus is perfectly
fine and a maverick cowboy ain’t. That’s to be expected. They don’t want Texas
mavericks in the White House no more, no sir! Not after Dubya. What I’ve seen
over these last years is that we Texans aren’t respected by the rest of the
country. Those elites out there in Washington sneer at us. Yankees laugh at us
and make fun of us. Californians think we’re crazy. I just gotta say... no one disrespects Texas.
So it’s done. Those high falutin’ party head honchos don’t
‘preciate Texas. They don’t respect Texas. And so no more makin’ a bid for
President of the United States of ‘Merica for Rick Perry. That don’t mean I
can’t be President... of an independent secessionist Republic of Texas! Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaww!!!!!!!
Now think on it, y’all. What has ever trustin’ those feds
gotten us? It’s gotten us war games bein’ practiced on our soil as an
underhanded cheatin’ way of takin’ us over and takin’ away our guns! And just
‘cause that didn’t happen this time don’t mean it ain’t ever gonna happen,
right? It’s gotten us no end of disrespect, and like I said, no one disrespects Texas! We’re the land
of God and guns and apple pie and tumbleweeds and crazy weather. We started out
as an independent republic, by hell and high water, and we can go back that
way. Once our great founder Sam Houston kicked Santa Anna in the seat of his
pants, we set our own course. We were proud, loud, and brash, and it took time
‘fore the ’Merican government let us in as a state. So I say we go back and be
independent again. As one country, one united Texas! Y’all, I’m runnin’ for the President of Texas! Yeeeehaaaaawww!!!!
Yeah, cheer like that! It’s what we’ve always wanted! A country of our own. Just with a better
endin’ than Braveheart, ‘cause between
you and me, I don’t want to end up gettin’ drawn and quartered and my head
chopped off.
So as of right now, we show everyone we mean business. They
ain’t gonna have ol’ Texas to kick around and make fun of, no sir. They’re
gonna learn some respect, or they’re gonna learn the consequences. No one
messes with Texas! Am I right? Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaawwww!!!!!!
We’re gonna ride hard and shoot off our rifles and show them
we’re serious. After all, we don’t want no interferin’
with the way we do things down here, no sir! We’re Texans, and we’re doin’
Texas proud! And when we’re done....
When we’re done....
Wait.
No.
You know what? I can’t do this anymore. I’ve taken this
whole thing as far as it can go.
It’s time to come clean.
Time for everyone to know the truth.
Particularly about why my voice just dropped that Texas
accent.
The truth is pretty simple. You see, I’m not Rick Perry.
My name is Richard Perry. And I wasn’t born in Texas. I’m
from Pennsylvania. Born and raised. Thirty years ago I made a fifty dollar bet
with a friend- that I could pass myself off as a born and bred Texan, play the
part of a maverick local, and rise all the way to become governor. Jack didn’t
think enough Texans would be dumb enough
for me to pull it off, but hey, you proved him wrong and voted me back into
office repeatedly.
So I spent thirty years carefully crafting my legend, so to
speak, building my background up as a Texas boy, working on my story. I wasn’t
born to Texas cotton farmers. No, my parents were Alex and Tess Perry of Lancaster.
Dad was a lawyer, Mom was in real estate. The people I passed off as my parents
were just paid actors in a grand performance piece that’s been playing out for
thirty years.
Until now, the only other person still alive who knew the
truth is my wife Anita. I mean, it’s kind of hard to lie to your spouse for
thirty years, so of course she knew. She found the whole idea amusing,
actually. Not so amusing, I’d think, if I’m looking at my chief of staff right
now, who looks like he’s having a heart attack.
Well, I know you all must feel pretty angry with me right now. I’ve spent thirty years carefully
working to the point where I could make fools of you. But it was worth it. Best
fifty dollar bet I ever made. Though I think I’d better exit stage right. Like
I said earlier... some of you have guns, and a lot of you look pissed off. In
closing, I’ll just say two things. First, Jack, I’m expecting the fifty bucks
plus interest over thirty years delivered to me by week’s end.
Second, to the people of Texas, I can only say.... nyah nyah nyah nyah!”