Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, July 27, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the cat's point of view. Your Imperial Grace, the floor is yours.


7:25 AM. Waking up to the sound of footsteps upstairs. The staff is up and about. Who gave her permission to wake me up before I was ready?


7:31 AM. The staff comes downstairs and bids me good morning. It’ll be all the better with a proper breakfast. Bacon and milk would be quite welcome, perhaps with a side dish of lightly sautéed diced lamb...


7:35 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again by giving me field rations. 


7:48 AM. Out on the deck to soak in some sun. Off in the distance I can hear the barking of that annoying mutt from down the road. Obviously he’s never heard of having a morning lie-in.


7:53 AM. Out in the yard sniffing at the grass. The staff heads out the door and waves as she goes to her car.... wait a minute. Is this a workday? Hey! You can’t leave me outside while you’re at work all day!

Come back here!


7:54 AM. And there she goes. I grumble, growl, and use a few choice curse words to express my annoyance with my staff at the present moment in time.


7:56 AM. ....I mean, honestly, she sees me right there, and she knows I don’t like being stranded outside all day. Is it that hard for her to just leave the door wide open so I can come in and go out at my leisure? What if it rains?


8:23 AM. Sitting on one of the deck chairs, stewing, plotting revenge. It may involve the shredding of cashmere.


11:32 AM. Waking up from long nap. Unfortunately the staff will still be gone for hours on end. 


12:15 PM. Staring up at the clouds. I think that one there looks like a big ball of yarn.


12:21 PM. Well, since the staff won’t be home anytime soon, I think a good walk through the woods and fields would be in order right about now. Some country air, exercise, and perhaps the chance to catch some flying lunch would be ideal.


1:39 PM. Walking through a farm. Not that far off from the barn. Hey, wait a minute... this is what I get for not really paying attention to where I was. This is where that dog lives.


1:41 PM. And sure enough, there he is out by the barn with his human. And lo and behold.... the stupid mutt has noticed me.


1:42 PM. I hiss at the dog to warn him to leave me alone.


1:43 PM. The dog’s human has come over and is giving me a pat and scratch behind the ears. I like that... but on the other hand, lady, you’ve got yourself a foul hound living with you, which is a mark against you. Please do us all a favour and don’t ever bring a cat into your household. That would be far too cruel to the cat.


1:44 PM. I take my leave, turning and giving the annoying mutt a stern glare.


2:08 PM. Back home. Still no sign of the staff. How long does it take to do this work thing anyway?


2:17 PM. Well, if she’s going to be gone awhile longer, I might as well take a nap. Just as long as it doesn’t start raining while I’m asleep. One can never quite tell this time of year...


5:25 PM. Waking up suddenly to the sound of a car engine and wheels on the driveway. I hear the engine stop and a door open. Staff? Is that you?


5:26 PM. Coming around the house. Sure enough, there she is. Well, it’s about time! I’ve been out here all day, staff, and that has left me quite annoyed with you. I am expecting something in compensation for this, you know. A proper dinner, for instance.


6:03 PM. Supervising the staff while she makes dinner. She’s busy cutting up some beef. That has promise. I like the taste of beef, after all. 


6:47 PM. Having dinner. The staff has given me a plate of beef with a side of milk. She insists on eating cauliflower with her meat for some reason. I really don’t understand why she’d eat that, though she does smother it with a white sauce.


7:17 PM. Supervising the staff while she does dishes. Being a human, the staff does require careful supervision.


7:26 PM. The staff is done with the dishes. Okay, staff, cuddle time. I'm demanding at least a half hour.


8:40 PM. Dozing while the staff reads. For some reason her reading choice tonight is a Stephen King novel. Well, it’s her fault then if she has nightmares tonight. Well, her, and Stephen King.


11:35 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, have a good night. Again, if you have nightmares, don’t be running around looking to me for comfort. I told you not to read that book.


10 comments:

  1. They are all great but I most like the schizophrenic cat that at least has himself! :)

    Yes, Leviticus is a slog...I'm just picking and choosing from zillions of idiotic "laws" and "commands."

    ReplyDelete
  2. The kitties are so cute. I love the cat reading one and the pic with the cat in the middle of the bed. They were adorable.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It looks like that cat made a catnip angel on the table.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The cats and clothing ones made me laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You were definitely a cat in a previous incarnation!

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Lowell: Schizo cat is still a cutie.

    @Auden: thank you!

    @Kelly: it does, yes.

    @Whisk: indeed!

    @Meradeth: thanks!

    @Norma: I must have been.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh goodness...Next they'll be making Grumpy Cat Bibles.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I like the cookie thief! That does happen!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Somehow, that looked more like a dog's paw going for the cookie. Grumpy is wonderful.

    ReplyDelete

Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.