Friday, April 27, 2012

Pet Peeves And Random Thoughts

Every once in awhile, a thought or a complaint runs through your head that you might like to blog about, but it really doesn't seem to be enough for a blog in and of itself. Hence it does seem to be a good idea to gather these ideas all together into... well, a pet peeves and random thoughts blog. And so without further ado, let us begin...




There's a certain shop in a certain downtown mall (oh, why bother being evasive? It's the BOSE electronics shop in the Rideau Centre) that I've passed many times. It sells electronics, home entertainment systems, you know the type. The largest screen in there is a big one, and every single time I pass that store, the Adele concert film is on. I've heard some of her music, and it's okay... but playing it over and over again must drive the store employees bonkers. And I feel like I've seen the whole concert already.


Erotica is an eyebrow raising genre, but what do you suppose would happen if a big name author who wasn't known for writing it gave it a go? Dan Brown, the fellow behind The Da Vinci Code, has written sex into his previous books, but would it end up having his main character describing the inner secrets of the Kama Sutra while in the middle of reaching their... happy place?



By the same token, military-techno nut Tom Clancy (back before the quality of his writing took a fast plunge off a cliff) is best known for his spy thrillers, not to mention stopping the narrative so that he can explain precisely where a piece of military hardware is built, how it's made, and so on and so on, frustrating the reader to no end. He's written sex into his books from time to time (and comes off as something of an adolescent when doing so).  Would he end up writing a solo erotica scene where the heroine decides to pleasure herself with a vibrator, and would he feel compelled to describe exactly where it's made, the amount of time it takes for one vibrator to be made, the shift worker putting it together, and what said shift worker thinks about their job and the moral implications of putting such devices together? By this point, of course, the readers would have tossed the book away out of frustration and disgust at how the author isn't getting anywhere...


And while we're at it... would Stephen King, writing erotica, be unable to get away from his horror influences? Would such a passage come across in this way?  She groaned as he plunged into her, thrusting deep. Clarisa dug her fingernails deep into his back, arching her own back in pleasure, driving her body against him. He cried out, but not in the way she expected. The scratches she cast on his back had drawn blood... and fire erupted out of the scratches. He screamed and howled as his body set ablaze...

See what I mean?


We need to round up all of the Elvis impersonators in the world and have them dropped onto a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific so that we won't have to come across a guy with bad sideburns singing Love Me Tender in a really cheesy jumpsuit on the street. Who's with me?

I want to go back in time, find the person who coined the phrase baby bump, and smack them. Then go further back in time and prevent them from being conceived, thus preventing that idiotic term from ever being coined.

Is the sole purpose of a high ranking officer in a Dirty Harry film merely to look like he's about to blow a gasket every time Harry gets to sending a crook on the fast track to hell?



Just what does Ryan Seacrest actually do? And how much blood did he have to shed to become famous? And to whom did he sacrifice said blood to?

The emotional depth of the Kardashian family reaches an astonishing one eighth of a millimetre total.



Is Kathie Lee Gifford secretly a Looney Tunes character (Lady Drinksalot)? Would calling her that be an insult to Bugs, Daffy, and the rest? Would they drop an anvil on me? Hit me with an Acme sledgehammer? Launch me out of an Acme cannon?



What is it about public libraries that draw in morons who like having conversations that others can hear over the music they're listening to on their headphones? Were these morons raised by Neanderthals? No... Neanderthals had better manners.

Memo to Hollywood: please stop adapting Nicholas Sparks novels. And just for good measure, don't let Michael Bay direct another movie ever again.




Since Stephanie Meyer has decided against continuing the infernal Twilight franchise, will she start up another series called The Noon Saga, about immortal succubi? And then would that be followed by  The Afternoon Tea Saga, which would, of course, be about immortal teenaged afficionados of Earl Grey tea?

Often we see videos for sale in a convenience store that we've never heard of, featuring actors who are long past their prime. One of these days I'm expecting to see a film starring Steven Seagal, Vanilla Ice, Pia Zadora, and Carrot Top called Dear God, Buy This Movie, The Loan Sharks Are Coming To Break Our Legs.

Someone needs to muzzle David Foster. Celine Dion wasn't nearly so obnoxious in her early years, then she met Foster, and all of a sudden, every song had to be over the top, over done, and breaking wine glasses. I swear, the man has never heard of being subtle and understated. In his world, a song must have a thousand voice choir and a thousand-violin orchestra accompanying the lead singer, and must outdo every song before it...



Speaking of Celine, I'd like to thank the city of Las Vegas for taking her off our hands. I'd also like to apologize on behalf of all Canadians for unleashing her on the world. Same goes for Justin Bieber. And Nickleback. And Drake. For the record, we do have good musicians.

 If Wizard of Oz were remade with members of the Bush administration, would it work out to the following casting? Dubya as the Scarecrow (no brain), Laura Bush as Dorothy, Dick Cheney as the Tin Man (no heart), Michael "Brownie" Brown as the Cowardly Lion (no spine), Karl Rove as the Wizard, and Hillary Clinton as the Wicked Witch of the West?


Why does Jason Statham insist on playing pretty much the same character over and over and over again?


Finally.... why is a raven like a writing desk?


18 comments:

Norma Beishir said...

Okay...first off, I have to disagree on Nicholas Sparks and Michael Bay (I actually like watching stuff blow up).

Dan Brown write erotica? I've always suspected he was seriously repressed. It's not surprising that he has no children. Tom Clancy's still a juvenile, yes, and as for King...not going there!

As for the rest...I totally agree! As always, brilliant blog, partner!

angryparsnip said...

wahahahahahahaha...
Your pet peeves and random thoughts are so entertaining.
I think Michael Bay should direct a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Like Norma I like watching stuff blow up too but I just can stand Michael Bay along with James Cameron.
As for everything else I agree.

cheers, parsnip

Cyn Bagley said...

Woot - now I'd read Stephen King horror erotica lol

But as for the musicians - you did give us Michael Buble so it makes up for Bieber.

Cyn

Carla White said...

This post is amazing. I have an ongoing pet peeves list that I add to every now and then so as not to annoy the rest of the population who may not be pessimists.

So many things to comment on my comment might be as long as your post! My office mate listens to a radio station all day that plays the same obnoxious songs at least 5-6 times. It's moreso annoying because now I am sick of songs that I actually enjoyed. So, I feel for the employees at BOSE electronics.

Hilarious thoughts on genre writers writing erotica. As a huge King fan, I can't even fathom how disturbing that would be. Although he does well at writing sex scenes, I'm not sure he could hold up an entire erotica novel without it being creepy.

Agreed on banishing the Elvis impersonators! Don't even get me started on the Kardashians. I read the other day that Kim wants to run for mayor of Glendon, California by 2017 and I am not sure if it's more frightening that she wants to, or that people would actually vote for her.

Really, the Loony Tunes characters should drop anvils on Gifford, not you.

Agreed on stopping adaptations of Nicholas Sparks novels. And while we're at it, could we just stop Nicholas Sparks novels altogether? Nip the problem right in the bud!

I believe that the guy who sang the Macarena would be in the movie in the bargain bin, too.

It is sad how the rest of the world seems to have latched onto the worst of Canada's singers while there are other, much more talented artists that seem to go largely unnoticed outside of N.A.

Hilarious about Wizard of Oz and Statham. Love the random thoughts! Happy Friday!

Beth said...

Holy Cow!!! Someone's a little peeved...Did you forget to take your happy pill this morning...? Just kidding...LOL

Agreement on some things...especially Celine Dion and Bieber...however, I have to take offense to the Twilight saga references that you always make...it's getting old, you know. I happen to think she should write more about my sparkly vampire, Edward...let's leave Bella out of it...and Jacob. They can go away...LOL

I've got several pet peeves, but yours are too funny. Enjoyed the blog as usual.

The Desert Rocks said...

So according to Lewis Carroll there is no solution to any of your pet peeves? Statham remains Stat but wait Las Vegas helped with Celine and Hollyweird is assisting with Justin, so there are answers to some strange mystical riddles. Thanks for showing us the sparkly light of day!(Sorry Beth)

Lynn Benoit said...

Yes. Calling Kathie Lee Gifford a Looney Tunes character IS an insult to Bugs et al. You better watch your back, stay clear of cliffs and rabbit holes!

Jay Noel said...

I've read two Nicholas Sparks books. Why? Curiosity. The Notebook was actually pretty good. Message in a Bottle looked so cheezy.

Michael Bay needs to stop. #4 sucked. Transformers sucked. And now he's going to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Damnit.

Karla Telega said...

Jason Statham reminds me of the poster, the many moods of a Golden Retriever.

Moon Child said...

Funny post as always, especially the Bush Admin starring in "The Wizard of Oz". Can we send Celine Dion back to Canada?

Under Cover said...

Haha! What a fun read. Oh, if I could only toss my cares and not bother being evasive on my own blog...

Also, you wonderful Canadians gave us Michael J. Fox, so all else is forgiven.

Deb said...

I agree with many of your pet peeves. I also have a pet peeve with all the singing shows on TV - American Idol, X-factor, The Voice, The Sing Off, America's Got Talent, and Now Duets. I'm getting sick of singing!

William Kendall said...

@Norma: If we could get Michael Bay to blow up Zac Efron...

@Deb: Oh, I hate those too...

@Moon Child: We've passed a law stripping Celine of her citizenship. So no.

@Jay: I stopped watching about fifteen minutes into the first Transformers. I think Michael Bay passed his best before date after he made Armageddon...

@Karla: He does have that sort of look, doesn't he?

Mark R Hunter said...

Wait, what -- Justin Bieber is YOURS??? You bastards!

Old Kitty said...

I have a fondness for these Elvis impersonators and their sideburns! LOL! take care
x

shelly said...

I really like the Stephen King quote. That was great.

My biggest pet-peeve is white- trash and biggots.

Lucy Adams said...

Quick. Call your therapist. You're sounding a tad bit angry today. Someone might need to talk you off that ledge.

William Kendall said...

@Shelly: I've got an idiot ex-brother-in-law who's a bigot. Can't stand him...

@Lucy: this is me being irritable! Takes a visit from either of my sisters to make me angry!

@Kitty: But they're Elvis impersonators!

@Mark: I know, it's a cardinal sin bringing him into the world...